She's 59 and she's my mother

I tried to keep it low profile. I tried to keep it as simple as possible. I tried to keep everything under control. I tried to minimize the wants and needs. I made a check list of what that need to be done first and keep everything under control. So far, I've managed to keep/get what I want and things that need to be done accordingly so there won't be any last-minute-panic-attack-syndrome during the event; except for controlling the hype of a mother.

I wasn't plan to make it an announcement (not till the actual day), but this is the only way that I could express the feelings I have by not hurting anyone. It's really getting on my nerves.

For some who knows, I'm getting engaged in two weeks time, Insyaallah. Yes, I'm finally planning in settling down. But the hype was just on the average level for me but not to the mother. I leave it to the hand of moi madre and padre for I know that the slightest thought of not having in-laws have been bugging their heads. So, just to satisfy their needs (and wishes), I let them be. But, I still monitored the preparations that they have planned. I get whatever things that possible for me by myself (the baju tunang, barang hantaran and whatnots) and leave the others to them. So far, everything has been in a good condition.

Not till today. She was being overly-excited in getting everything done. I can totally understand the hype but I think she has finally crossed the line. It's not my intention to hurt anyone's feeling. For all I know, I just want them to be happy. Though to some, this kind of ceremony is something that they want to celebrate with their love partner but to me, this whole event is to make my parents happy. I can see the joy of preparing for the event through their eyes. What more can I say, whenever they talk about the preparations, they smiles upon happiness. I have not been a good daughter for them but seeing those smiles, I think at some point, I've repaid back what they have done to me; in growing me up.

The problems occurred when she has been making this whole engagement thing as if it was hers. It's not that I'm not being grateful. I am. I appreciate everything that she does for me. The arrangement she made; just to make sure that everything goes as planned. I appreciate the sacrifices that she made in getting everything in order. The time she spent finding everything from every possible corners that she could find. Running here and there, calling whomever that she thought that could give her the best offer (yes, she is the winner of bargaining things to the cheapest). But the excitement that have caused problem to me.

I dare not to talk about it with mr.boyfie. God knows how many other things that he has on his hand. I rather spend some quality time I have with him talking with each other not about this whole getting married thingy, appreciating our moments together for the fact that we only have weekends (since we both busy with work) to actually spend it with each other.

All that I'm wishing right now is to get over with this whole preparation thingy and enjoy the actual day itself.

"Ya Allah ya tuhanku, berikan kekuatan kepada hamba mu ini. Amin"

9 Bulan

I make it as a compulsory for me to pay this education dept that I have every month. The thought of fulfilling the commitment of ptptn-free has made me consistently telling myself to pay for it though the slightest feeling of abandon it has crossed my mind. I don't see the outcome of paying it anyway. My monthly salary is lessen by RM 200 every month just for it. The government is richer by RM 200 because of it and the burden of being a Peminjam PTPTN will always there till the very last scent. The possibilities of getting caught or being blacklisted from going anywhere outside from the country (take Faizal Tahir or Fahrin Ahmad for example) is another reason why I want to clear this dept as soon as I can.

Here's a fact: the amount of loan that I made is not equivalent to the amount that I have to pay. I have to pay 4% higher when initially, I received 4% lower from the actual amount. You do the math.

This is the reason why I don't want my future children to be caught with this so called "education" subsidiary. I don't mind paying for their education fees if I have to.

But looking through the statement online, I've managed to pay RM1,500 since 9 months ago and that leaves me with another RM18K in total that needs to be paid. And that brings me with another century till all dept are cleared based on this calculation.

CNY

The boys stayed over the weekend. The house was in chaos. But, but it was fun though, playing with them especially with the little one. Seeing him laugh is enough to put smiles on your face. We had our kind of "makan besar" when mommy decided to cook fish head curry for lunch.

I'm all alone in my department today. Everyone is still on leave. This is the joy of working with a chinese based company. At least, I'm free from the lady boss for a day.

I'm amazed by how materialistic some people can be. I'm just amazed!

I am so feeling uninspired. I feel like dancing in the rain. But the problem is, it won't be raining till mid March. The weather is effing hot even my pee is as hot as a boiling water.

I have 4 pimples scattered all around my face. Why do they have to pop-up now? Am having hard time cleansing them off. Please pimple please, not within these 23 days.

I am honestly disappointed with my own country. They are more concerned about their political agendas rather than developing the economy growth. So much of calling themselves as 1Malaysia. It ain't working no more man! I think they need to generate a new tagline that represent themselves; not the rakyat.

Oh, oh speaking of which. I am planning to register myself as a voter but I can't seem to find the ways. I thought they use to have an online registration or something. But it seems that the url is no longer valid. Such a disappointment.

Self reminder: to always be grateful.

Have a great day people, I know I will!

February love part III

• It's a last day before a long holiday starts and everyone is working under pressure today. Office is filled with the sound of screams and shouts. People have been running here and there;up and down. They are basically everywhere. Phone has been ringing non-stop. It's friday people. And friday is suppose to be a cooling day.
• Despite all that, we are getting a half day today. For me that is. The lady boss is leaving any time soon and I get the chance to leave the office around 2-ish. We'll see how. I might just stay for an hour or two.
• 2010 is the year of celebrating love. I hear wedding bells everywhere.
• After much of consideration, I think I want to past everything that I hoped for. Career-wise that is. Hoping for the uncertainties just making me nothing less than a hopeless bastard. And that is not good. Kalau ada rezeki ada. Rezeki ada di mana-mana. Ada hikmah di sebalik kejadian.
  
• A slightest thought that crossed my mind has been ruing my sleep last night. The thought of making a wrong decision has been bugging my head ever since. Why is it so hard to feel good for your own self? Selagi tak lepas, selagi tu tak rasa tenang.
  
• I want to feel comfortable walking in my own skin for once.
• Despite of all the depression-heart-wrecking statements, I still be grateful with what I have and achieved. I've walked so far, I just can't stop now. There's still a long way to go. And of course, it's not always going to be a happy one.
• 3 weeks to go. 3 more weeks before a new adventure arrive and 3 more weeks before closing another chapter; to open up a fresh new one.
• I want a beach holiday. I want to be pampered with love. I want to not to have doubts in my head. I want to shower myself with happiness. I want to feel secure. I want to stay calm. I want to sing in the rain (for it has been a very very hot week). I want to laugh like a 3 year old kid. I want to wear a polkadot dress. I want you! Yes you and you only.
• I'm leaving at 2. Confirm!
• With this opportunity, I would like to wish everyone (despite of their religions and beliefs) a happy chinese new year. May it be a prosperous year for us and blessed with everything that we do. Have a safe journey to where ever destination that you're heading and happy holiday.
• Not forgetting, happy valentine's day for those who are celebrating.
  

February Love part II

• I've never felt like quitting as bad as how I feel right now. The door has finally closed and the heart is no longer there. My prayers are all I have.
• As selfish as it sounds, I've dragged everyone into it.
• I have a strong feeling that I might not get the job; that I have to spend another 30 years facing that same old faces.
• (Referring to statement #1) My prayers are all I have.
• After going through millions of considerations, I think I'm going to past "your kind of obsession". I can't keep on thinking about you and things that you're going to do. Why is it so hard to understand? Why is it so hard to tell? Am I really invisible here?!
• I have made up my mind. I am going to swallow it all in me. Every pieces of it and I promise that I'm not going to throw it out even if it's killing me down.
• Reality bites: Life is full of surprises. One day you're up and next, you're down. You'll be surprise to see what's there served on your table.
  
• I'm falling in love for the second time; with the same person. Even deeper *wah! kinky*
• To you mr.love, I'm so proud of you. Love you big time!
• Some people uses sympathy to gain love. That's not fair. Love is all about honesty. You might have the sympathy but you didn't win the love. How long can love last if it's based on sympathy? And how long can you try to win love using sympathy? It didn't work out. Trust me. I've been there, I've done that!
• I'm falling in love again. *kinky part II*

Goodnight love, may you have a great week ahead.

Nobody said that life was fair

Guess, I am right after all.

Things will never be the same again.

And that leave me with only two options.

Leave it or swallow it all.

Life is a gift

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for companion.

Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.



--> Saw this hanging nicely on the wall right in front of my desk. I never really pay much attention to what was written in that piece of paper till about awhile ago. But that doesn't change the fact of me feeling like quitting this job. I'll let that past but it is a good reminder though. A really good one.

February love

I need a new adventure. I new it pronto! Orang kata, makin kita nak tu lah makin kita tak akan dapat. But seriously, I would go crazy if I still here sitting on the same chair wondering when will I actually leave this place. As surprised as it may sounds, I really really superx10 hate these walls that I'm facing. If I could leave, I would! But there's March 2010 and January 2011 that requires me to spend some mooo-lah on. And the plans of jalan-jalan sepanjang tahun hadapan, I can't just quit.

It's not that I'm not being grateful. I am! It's just that, the purpose of staying here is no longer existent. I don't see myself doing any good with this company. I don't see the career development that I thought I could get from this company. All that I've been getting is that stuck-up-lil-face that I've always wanted to !*&*($_ on (kalaulah berani). I can't stay here any longer.

I may sound like a total bitch who complain too much and sound so ungrateful. But if you're in my shoes, you would know the kind of feelings I'm having right now.

Enough of complaining. I need to get my work done which I have no heart on.

"Ya Allah ya tuhanku, perluaskanlah pintu rezki hambamu ini. Amin"

Ye aku bodoh, sebab itu aku jadi begini

noktah.