This is the part where the mind is taking control

I have so many questions in my head right now. Most of them start with the "why" word. And they keep on playing in my head on repeat mode and these have lead me to questioning myself if I'm waiting for the uncertainties? Yes, plural please!

I feel like I'm actually living in a cave in the middle of gunung-ganang entah di banjaran mana trying to find my way out coz I'm starving to death for not able to find my source of energy. Hiperbola sungguh but that is what I'm feeling right now. This explain the lost post written a day after AidilAdha. I think I am physically lost now. I don't look good today. Even when I decided to wear something nice for work today, it doesn't help me in improving my lost-ness. Orang kata malu bertanya sesat jalan, tapi kalau dah bertanya pun masih sesat jalan juga macam mana?

Even gps won't help me in finding my way out!

I'm talking crap now.

I tried talking to my mom about it. But everytime I looked at her face, my mouth just zipped it out as if they were sewn with a super giant needle. I tried talking with the girls (the usual gossip session) but it doesn't help me either. Eh, tuan doktor, tolong rawat saya boleh? Saya rasa saya sakitlah. Tolong carikan saya sakit apa. Please prescribe me with high dossage of medicines too. I think I might need them immediately.

As a result, I've been crapping myself at twitter every hour for the past few days; without fail!

Oh, how I wish things were different from what it has been. It's killing me la encik. I think this lost-ness is even sharper than a sharp knife. Hebat bukan?

I have 5 days of annual leave to be taken off before year ends. I think I might need them for the recovering process. Eh, sakit pun tak tahu apa dah nak recovering.

Argh, I think I better stop now before I start writing another crappy post. Everything is so dull in color lately. Too bad I've finished all the pastels way too fast. I need to wait for another round of queueing I guess. Oh yeah, I have to start to learn how to queue now. Gila lah!

Lets queue for fixing a broken mind.

Dear diary

My dearest twinkling stars,

Where have you been disappearing? I haven't seeing you twinking yourself upon the sky for the longest time. Was it because of the weather? Was it because of the rain that make you stop twinkling? I have to be honest here, I miss your presence. I miss watching your twinkling just to accompany me when there is nobody to talk to. I miss watching your smile whenever I'm down. I miss to hear your whispers saying that everything is going to be fine.

Well my twinkling stars, I'm not doing fine down here and you're not around to put the smile on my face to cheer me up. I waited for your presence awhile ago. I waited but you were not there. You were not there at your usual spot. I guess you didn't miss me much. I guess you have forgotten about me. I guess you have been meeting up with a new crowd; new friends.

I got to go now. Back to where I belong. I'm wishing you all the best. If there is any chance of you stopping by, please, please my twinkling stars; twinkle yourself at me. I may need it every once in a while. To show to me that you're still there to care.

Goodbye, and I miss you!


Your dearest,
me.

AidilAdha

Yesterday marked the day muslims celebrating AidilAdha. It was the day where muslims all around the world gathered in front of kaabah in the holly land of Mecca performing rukun Islam ke-lima. It was also the day for us muslims in remembering the sacrifices of Nabi Ibrahim a.s towards his battle in Islam. And that is why korban came into the picture.

Every year, there would be something that I would be thanking for during this particular celebration. The sacrifices I made in order to achieve something. Normally, it would be something related to my studies. The hours I spent, the journey I made; everything that I have to go thru in order to fulfill my dreams.

But this year, AidilAdha is just a day to celebrate with good food prepared by my mother. Most probably, it was dued to the distractions I had hours earlier. I had a blank mind that I can't think of anything that I should be thanking for. I kept on thinking there must be something that I have achieved in the name of sacrifice. Sadly, I came out with none.

But later in the evening, it hits me while I was putting my baby cousin to sleep. For what that I'm facing right, the battle that I'm fighting against my own feelings is the one that I'm sacrificing. I have been pressuring myself lately. I built doubts that I shouldn't have towards my own feelings. I let my mind talk more than thinking with my brain. I let myself down. I've been fooling with myself lately. I let my ego take control. And I have changed, in the bad way. I let myself loose and I've become someone I don't recognize. I've lost my way and stuck in the middle. And the worst part is, I'm stuck without knowing what to do. All that I can think of right now is to run away.

I let myself loose. I let myself down. But I don't know how to build them back. How to build myself back. I let myself loose.

So this year, AidilAdha was the day that I convinced myself that I have actually sacrificing myself with pain and pressure. I made them took control over me. I let them win every battle that I'm fighting for. I made them be the eyes and brain. And the won with gold medals in hand.

I just wish that I could run away;run away far!

Nobody said life would be easy

At this time last year, I was struggling myself to finish up my final year project which consisted me in burning the midnight oil just to make sure that I nail my final year exhibition. During that particular of time, I wish that I could just get over with my study life and start earning a living. But now when I'm actually earning a living, all that I can think of is to submit my master's application and never to remember this experience as a working person ever again.

I wrote about how hardwork and patience works in life on the previous post but I missed out the point to mention that hardwork and patience does not come easily. And it sucks big time when you know that you screwed something out of it. Nobody said life would be easy but nobody said that it's going to be this hard.

I made a mistake today. I made a mistake which I shouldn't have done it. It was something that I was trained not to do so. I guess I was panic and did it after all and cost a lot of trouble to a certain party. I blamed myself for making those mistakes. It was totally on me. I wanted to cry so bad but tears decided not to be my friend. I wanted to scream but I'm out of energy to do so. Honestly, I just wish that I could just stab my heart with a knife and die on spot. Ok, that would be a little bit of exaggeration but I think you know the feeling aight?!

I apologized and admitted my fault to my GM. He didn't say much instead he gave me good advices by saying that these are the experiences that would teach me to improve my working skills. I was hoping to get a scream or anything but he didn't and I still feel bad although the problem is solved.

I went to see him for dinner. I know he was trying his best to cheer me up to distract me from thinking about it. But sorry my dearest, your distractions didn't work. But thanks for the effort anyway. Your company means a lot to me.

I doubt that I can sleep peacefully tonight. I doubt that I can actually close my eyes without thinking about it *sigh*. I think I need to go for a stress management course to teach me on how to deal with stress and anger. *another sigh*

Tomorrow is going to be another tough day. Ya Allah ya tuhanku, berikanlah kekuatan kepada hambamu ini. Amin.

Monday what?!

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

I never really like the song that much. It was merely just a sing-along song for me. I never really paying much attention to the lyric. It seems to be like a typical-waking-up-from-every-downfall wordings. Plus, it came from a girl who is about to leave her "virtual" kids life and reaching the wonderful years of becoming a teenager.

But the perception changed this morning.

I got the chance to understand the meaning of the lyric while waiting for the bus this morning. It got me through it and somehow I felt related to the song. The chorus part that is and I have to admit that the words describe perfectly as what it is.

It is not the matter of how fast you reach your goals or how successful you've become. It is the matter of how hard you work for it; in reaching your goals, in becoming as successful as you are now. The hardwork that counts. For every sweats that you've wiped, for every crossroads you've passed and for every consequences you've overcome. Well that matters!

I've seen people who are eagerly in filting their bank account with big numbers, driving big cars, talking big businesses. Pendek kata mereka yang mahu cepat kaya. Semua nya cepat-cepat belaka. Instant rich policy. Pick a program, try to persuade few followers and tada you're earning RM XXK a month. But hunny, you're missing out the fun of appreciating the value of your hardwork. You missed the fun of competing with each other. You definitely won't be appreciating any of your sweats. It's true that you're earning more than you could have imagine. But my dear friend, it means nothing when non of those hardworks were appreciated.

Tidak berjaya tidak bermakna akan gagal selamanya. I believe in hardwork. I believe in patience and I believe in faith. To earn something meaningful is to work hard for it. To earn something big is by deserving it. It applies to all. Life, relationship, career; all.

Take a step backward and think. What you really want in life, an instant rich or appreciation? People will remember you for something that you've worked hard for not the amount of $$$ you've made.

Hitler is remembered for the way he ruled his army not the amount of people he has killed. P.Ramlee is known for his good music not the awards he has collected. Gandhi is remembered for his inspiration in civil rights not the amount of followers.

Hardwork pays. Trust me, it does!

Orang Kedah kata ini keciwi

He was uberly excited when he saw the webcam button and started taking his own pictures. And this are the end results.

priceless! haha

Statement

• Yee, saya jonggang, rabun, busuk, hodoh dan tidak cantik. Do you have problems with that?
• The impression that I've been getting for wearing scarf. "Which state do you come from?", "oh, you must be staying with your friends here in Kuala Lumpur", "kampung kat mane?" WTF?! Can't a city girl be wearing tudung? Does tudung resembles KAMPUNG? Oh and not forgetting "budak BBGS pakai tudung ke?". pffftt. That shows how narrow-minded MALAYSIANS are! Menyedihkan.
• I saw a car with a plat number WTF XXXX.
• I was a copywriter, DTP Artist, Typist, Tea Lady and a Secretary all in one day; last friday.
• The new route RapidKL invented is far from being reasonable. With an increment of 25% of the fare, I have to walk 15minutes longer then usual. To top of that, the route that they are heading are all the ones with the high amount of traffic. You are making the rakyat suffer worst then ever. What happens with Rakyat didahulukan, Pencapaian diutamakan? You're giving more shits man!
• You are so lucky, you are building your career in Singapore! *jealous*
• A friend shared few desperate brides-to-be blogs on their wedding preparations. Some are still in the process of merisik, some are just completed their engagement and some are super excited while counting the days of their so called "big day". Honestly, I am a big fan of weddings and wedding preparations is something that I myself will be excited for. But creating a blog for it, is super desperado! You're getting married and we understand that. Telling it to the whole wide world will be a little bit exaggeration. Nak kawin, kawin lah nak keco about the preparation ape kes? But then again, it was very enjoyable reading those posts written by them. They totally nailed it when it comes in showing their desperations. It is a good source of laughter I tell y'all!.
• Ugly Betty is my current source of inspirations. Betty dah cantik sekarang. Suka!
• I miss the fun part of us.
• I'm broke.
• It's 12.30pm already? Woohooo.

Tata.

I don't like you lah! I like her more.

Someone once said that we (the family) practice favouritism. My immediate response was "too bad, you're not in our list", sarcastically. My mother doesn't like with what I just said. While she continued the story of us being chossy and picky over some group of people, I had a theory in mind. Well first, I felt sorry for the person who just said that thing; for feeling that way. Second, I just thought that maybe "that" particular group of people felt so left out that they had to say such thing so that we can include them next them. And finally, because we are soo famous, people just want to be with us. Haha! Kidding.

Sadly enough, it came out from a family members too.

Being a cool mom, she just ignored the statement. Though somehow, I knew deep in her heart she was dissappointed over it. If I were in her shoes, I would definitlely felt angry. Knowing me, I would definitely call "that" person up and try to come clean. But my mother, she acted cool over it.

I was angry, definitely I am. Even till today, I can't actually figure out why "they" said such thing. We are family, aren't we?! Then why made such statement? Most importantly, who the bloody hell you think you are for making such statement.

At this point of time, Muhasabah is the good thing to do! Well, it does, to me. Probably it was partly our fault for making other people felt that way but then again, you have to ask yourself back, what have you done so far? Why you felt that way? Is it what it seem to look or was it just your mind talking?

It's not about picking whose fault it falls too. In this matter, there's no right and wrong. Because we have to remember that we are only human and human make mistakes. After all, we are family. We weren't supposed to have that kind of feelings. Busuk hati, dengki sesama ahli keluarga. Apa kes?!

And to you family, muhasabah diri. The door is always open for you to enter.

Which Side Are You On?

There are two types of people living in this world. One are those who we can define as genuinely nice people and the other one are those who are being pretentiously nice to other people. The ones that I'm trying to avoid are the ones in number two. But, how can I actually define them either way?

Someone genuine can actually pretending in being genuine and someone pretentious, well they are definitely pretending. But to differentiate these two little behaviors are somehow rather difficult.

Frankly speaking, I can be a little bit of both and I'm sure you too! This is where judging the book by its cover applies.

Taking my boss as an example. The first few days of signing in with the company, I have been warned by most of the staff to always be patience while handling my boss regardless of anything. Even till today, I'm still been warned to work patiently with my boss. I heard so many things about her. Mainly about her past. How she handles most of her ex-assistant. To come to my suprise, I was the only one who survive her more than 3 months working under her for the fact that I am a Malay (she has issues with Malays don't ask me why). But to me, she is a very nice person. And she is someone whom I labelled as a genuinely nice person. She's fussy; very fussy and strict in term of work ethics. A middle age unmarried lady, what more can you expect. But once you get to know her, she is indeed a very nice lady.

But the problem occures when you have to start dealing with the pretentious people acted super nice in front of you but being a super bitch behind your back. Siap boleh mengata pulak tu. Lumrah, memang lumrah manusia untuk mengata di belakang. Hendak berterus-terang? Bukit Antarabangsa runtuh sekali lagi pun belum tentu berani. But thats human. People who doesn't have the balls to talk right in front of your face. Kalau boleh diputarbelitkan, memang sanggup diputarbelitkan.

Hypocrites to some may call it. But I don't blame them for being hypocrite. Hypocrite is needed in life. One has to be one so that others won't feel offended by their actions, terasa hati, to keep the pride that one has left and etc. But people tend to act overly with hypocrisy. The unforgivable ones.

Sudah lari topic dah ni!

But what I want to say is that, stop being pretentious. I mean, there is nothing wrong with being you. The real you. People will accept you for who you are regardless of anything for any of that matter. There is nothing wrong of being weak. Every once in awhile we need to be weak, we need to be pampered, we need to be loved and that is what family and friends are for. To help you when needed, to be there when you are falling, to guide when you lost your way.

Life is too short to waste it inappropriately. Might use it wisely with the ones who matters.

Cheers!

Kerana Dia Hebat Dan Aku Tidak

Manusia dilahirkan ke dunia ini dengan kondisi yang tidak sempurna. Sesempurna mana seseorang itu mengangap dirinya, percayalah bahawa dia tidak sempurna. Mungkin tidak dari pandangan fizikal, tetapi zahirnya dia adalah tidak sempurna.

Tidak sempurna kerana merasakan dirinya serba kekurangan. Tidak sempurna kerana merasakan dirinya tidak cemerlang. Tidak sempurna kerana merasakan dirinya telah ditindas. Tidak sempurna kerana mengangap dirinya tidak berjaya. Tidak sempurna kerana tidak pernah yakin dengan kemampuan dirinya sendiri dan tidak sempurna dengan serba-serbi kekurangan yang tidak boleh nampak dengan mata kasar tetapi dengan hanya melalui perasaannya sahaja.

Sesuatu yang dijaga beratus-ratus hari tidak bermakna ia akan menjadi milik kita untuk selama-lamanya. Sesuatu yang dipelihara dengan penuh kasih sayang bertahun-tahun lamanya tidak menjanjikan bahawa ia adalah milik mutlak. Kerana ia mampu berubah. Kerana manusia berubaha. Manusia berubah kerana mahukan pembaharuan. Manusia berubah kerana mahukan kepuasan. Manusia berubah kerana "konon-konon"nya itulah yang terbaik untuknya dan perubahan itu mampu berlaku dalam satu jangka masa yang amat singkat.

Dalam sebulan, macam-macam yang boleh berlaku. Dalam sebulan, manusia mampu merubah pendiriannya dan dalam sebulan manusia mampu merubah keputusannya.

Sesuatu yang dipelihara beratus hari usianya mampu tergugat dengan sesuatu yang baru dikenali dalam masa sebulan.

Kerana manusia berubah untuk mencari kesempurnaan.

Coz It Does Matter

I will be all that you want and get myself together

'Cause you keep me from falling apart

And all my life, I'll be with you forever

To get you through the day and make everything ok

Lets get married, shall we?!

I'm not sounding desperate, aren't I?

Anyways, cut the marriage part, lets talk about life.

It's been 5 months since I started working. I'm still learning; adapting with the real world. Trying my best to fit in the advertising industry. Getting used to it I must say. I met new people and some old faces (meeting up with an old collegue from NSTP, buat kerja ku bertambah senang) and of course, there's always the ups and downs. I'm not complaining. No, I'm not.

I like it here. I mean the place where I'm currently working. It has always been my dream to work here. Not my first choice but still in my top list of places where I want to have my experiences with. And at the age of 24, I've fulfilled quater of what I've wished for. A stable job (was confirmed as an employee of spencerAzizul Sdn Bhd on the month of September with an increment of salary and few other things that I've achieved/fulfilled). But this never stop me from working hard. I'm still young and there's a hell lot more for me to learn; to experience. And I'm learning. I do!

But this does not apply to people who think they have experienced everything that the world could offer that not need to share. So, what gives?!

What really gives?! Does it costs you trillion of dollors for you to spend to move an inch? Does it really hurt that bad for you to even work. After all, you were paid to work. So for heaven's sake, work-lah!

You shouldn't be working by now if all that you were doing is sit and play Farmwille. You should be a real farmer then. Why waste so much of your time (and mine!) and money for things that you're not going to do. If you think your life is hard, try thinking about us who receive half the amount of salary that you received monthly. We need to survive too you know, and work too!

So how's about that mista?!



p/s: You, yes you. I know you're a frequent visitor of this crappy blog of mine. So, Hello! to you =)

SATC in The Real World

I was caught up with SATC for the past few days. Thanks to HBO for constantly airing the movie that made me watched them everytime without fail. Though I've already watched them like gazillion times before but still energetically watching them. When it comes to SATC, who doesn't?! And since kakak was superly excited about it, we decided to watch the series back from season 1 to 6 via internet and ASTRO. The fever is in back again.

It's fictional, superficial and I must say, irrelevent with the reality. But the way I see it, it's not mainly about the highly standard of living with all sorts of glamorous clothes that they are potraiting. It's more to the friendship that they're bonding between the four of them. If I were to have those kind of friendship, please god, I swear I will never do wrong again.

Chop! I think I have my other three girlfriends that I could trust my life with. Though they are not similarly to the ones in the character but they are still the ones that I'll look up to whenever; where ever. And plus, I have my kind of "Mr. Big" around me. Just that we are still not married. Not yet!

We (I mean, the girlfriends), we don't really wear fashionable clothes. From where I see it, I don't think they ever will. Tidaklah kopak sangat. Just nice untuk mata memandang. Casual, I must say. We are still in the midst of building our career. We are totally not in the same line. We have our differences. We have a different taste in man; different taste in everything for that matter. We look things differently. But somehow, we connect with each other. Most importantly, they are the ones that I can trust whole-heartedly.

Telling it short, I have found my kind of Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie and Miranda. 8 years of friendship and counting.