AidilAdha

Yesterday marked the day muslims celebrating AidilAdha. It was the day where muslims all around the world gathered in front of kaabah in the holly land of Mecca performing rukun Islam ke-lima. It was also the day for us muslims in remembering the sacrifices of Nabi Ibrahim a.s towards his battle in Islam. And that is why korban came into the picture.

Every year, there would be something that I would be thanking for during this particular celebration. The sacrifices I made in order to achieve something. Normally, it would be something related to my studies. The hours I spent, the journey I made; everything that I have to go thru in order to fulfill my dreams.

But this year, AidilAdha is just a day to celebrate with good food prepared by my mother. Most probably, it was dued to the distractions I had hours earlier. I had a blank mind that I can't think of anything that I should be thanking for. I kept on thinking there must be something that I have achieved in the name of sacrifice. Sadly, I came out with none.

But later in the evening, it hits me while I was putting my baby cousin to sleep. For what that I'm facing right, the battle that I'm fighting against my own feelings is the one that I'm sacrificing. I have been pressuring myself lately. I built doubts that I shouldn't have towards my own feelings. I let my mind talk more than thinking with my brain. I let myself down. I've been fooling with myself lately. I let my ego take control. And I have changed, in the bad way. I let myself loose and I've become someone I don't recognize. I've lost my way and stuck in the middle. And the worst part is, I'm stuck without knowing what to do. All that I can think of right now is to run away.

I let myself loose. I let myself down. But I don't know how to build them back. How to build myself back. I let myself loose.

So this year, AidilAdha was the day that I convinced myself that I have actually sacrificing myself with pain and pressure. I made them took control over me. I let them win every battle that I'm fighting for. I made them be the eyes and brain. And the won with gold medals in hand.

I just wish that I could run away;run away far!