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There's a lot that we can do with technology. Be it either good or bad. Technology was made to help people by making life easier. It is part of a communication tool. A person who is living here in Malaysia can always stay connected with a friend who is staying in France for instant *ahemm* without having to be worried for the amount of money that they have to spend just to say "hi". Even with a different of timezone wouldn't cost any problem. Bills can be paid through online, shopping can be made with just a simple click and you can even find a life partner through technology. But, technology can be very harmful if it is not being use properly. It can cost damages to your life. Nothing is impossible when it comes to technology. There is no terminology of privacy is used when dealing with technology. Better still, it can be your worst nightmare.

Speaking of which, I googled myself awhile ago. As kodi as it sounds, I know you too googled your name sometimes. And who doesn't anyway?! As surprised as it looked like, I found this on the number 3 of my search results. I don't quite remember asking for it by somehow it was there in the net.

Huraian TL Ajlaa Azam (09-07-1985)

12 02 2009

Kod # 3 – Ceria, Elemen - Api

Individu ini adalah seorang yang serba-boleh atau dalam english – ”all-rounder”. Idealistik, Aktif dan berpandangan jauh. Seorang yang tahu dan faham apa yang dia kehendaki.

Berkebolehan dalam membezakan perkara baik dan jahat. Juga mempunyai kebolehan dan berbakat. Boleh menjadi kaya dan berharta. Kebiasaannya, individu ini akan berjaya dalam masyarakat sebelum umur 30 tahun.

Perkara negatif ialah individu ini boleh menjadi terlalu agresif, tidak penyabar dan cepat panas baran. Individu ini mengambil mudah sesuatu perkara dan tidak tegas (tidak munasabah) dan kadang kala seorang yang nakal.

Suka berterus terang dalam berkata-kata menyebabkan terdapat turun naik dalam perhubungan. Sekiranya perhubungan ini tidak dijaga dengan baik, ianya boleh menyebabkan keretakan dalam perhubungan dan berlaku kekejaman. Mudah mengekspresi pandangan dan perasaan anda terhadap sesuatu perkara.

Mengikut pola nombor kombinasi pula, anda adalah seorang yang tak suka duduk diam. Anda juga mudah untuk bergaul dengan orang-orang kenamaan dan pegawai atasan. Bagus untuk berniaga ini.

Perkara yang perlu dipelajari:

1) Perlu belajar untuk melihat sesuatu dengan lebih realistik.

2) Cuba menghabiskan sesuatu yang telah anda mulakan.

3) Fikir dahulu sebelum meluahkan sesuatu

Golongan terkenal yang mempunyai nombor 3:

Anwar Ibrahim (bekas TPM) , Wayne Rooney (bintang bolasepak Manchester United), Christiano Ronaldo (bintang bolasepak Manchester United), Robinho (bintang bolasepak Brazil dan Manchester City), Alan Alda (selebriti Hollywood), Bill Cosby (selebriti Hollywood

Sungguh menakjubkan! A sample of a free consultation by the help of technology. And I bet, it can be more than just a consultation for you. Be nice to technology or they'll get it back to you in a way that you couldn't just imagine.

Rintihan jiwa siri pertama

It started off pretty well; amazingly well. I thought that it could be the place where I can actually lay my butt on. At least for a year or two. I thought I could be good in there considering all the good feedback that I've been hearing before joining the team. It has been a dream come true for me for being able to be part of the family for the fact that it was the one place that I've been dreaming working with.

The people, the environment and the joy of working were the reasons why I decided to join them. They were awesomely-awesome (if you know what I mean) but the scenario change after reaching the 7th month being an employee. It changes tremendously. I started to hate the place. I've been dragging myself every morning waking up just to get ready for work. It was never like that. I was looking forward for work months ago. But it changes now!

Everyone starts showing their true colors or was it me who is not being serious with work? I think because of the age factor that made me feel uncomfortable with the environment. I'm not pointing anyone but looking through the majority of employees in the company, no wonder everyone leaves.

I've never felt that it was a problem. I mean, dealing with a mature person (trying to be wised here) wasn't a big problem. But it will be one when they acted like a foolish old man/lady. Was it hard to even listen to what we would like to say? Doesn't our opinion count? We (the younger generation) make mistakes. We are young, fresh with no experience in hand and that is why we make mistakes and we learned from it. Therefore, it is your job to guide and teach and willing to let us experience and feel the excitement of working in the agency. Not scream and shout and make those stuck-up-bitch-face-looking. You can't expect us to be excellent with our job within days or months. I bet you were not as good as you are now when you first started working. And some goes to us, lady!

It's no longer fun going to the office. I need a new environment. A new place where toleration is practiced. I don't think I can hold myself any longer, within that same cubicle, facing the same wall and looking at the same face.

Patience is virtue.

We tend to take things for granted. We neglected the people who are close to our hearts intentionally. We thought that they understand us; that they can actually read whats there in our mind as if our heads were made by a see-thru glass window. And as a result, we constantly break those meaningful hearts and casually be fine with it. We apologized just for the sack of apologizing. We promised to change things for the better but honestly, we don't. And again, those hearts were broken but only this time, it's no longer fixable.

I was once like what I've mention above months ago. I wasn't aware about it till it hit me bad that brought me to face a depression. I took medication (the stupidest thing I've ever commit) for I thought that it could help me at some point, but it didn't. I was falling to the stage of point where I thought that I could never be fixed; that I have lost it, permanently.

The worst part was, I've stopped believe in myself again.

I was living under the dark cloud wondering what went wrong. There were so many questions in my head but I couldn't find the answers. It was within that short period of time that I've lost myself completely. It felt as if I was living inside someone else body that my actual body was buried in the jungle. I couldn't believe that it actually happened; to me!

It was my fault; for all that had happened, it was caused by me. I was being too stubborn to be living selfishly. I couldn't be bothered caring about other people's feeling other than mine. I was living my life selfishly. And this is the price that I have to pay.

After months of going through the recovering process, I must say that I've made some progressions. Though I might not be fully recovered, but I'm glad that I managed to get it through. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy convincing myself that everything is going to be fine. It wasn't easy to have faith in myself again. It wasn't easy telling myself everyday that I am strong. It wasn't easy watching everything that I've caused and it wasn't easy to get the pictures out from my head.

This is the price that I have to pay for being a selfish bastard, for taking things for granted, for wasting those precious hearts, and mostly for hurting my own self. But I am still here, standing for as long as I can hoping that everything will come to an end.

But there's always light at the end of every tunnel. I'm glad that I managed to pick myself up from keep on falling. I managed to get my face straight from the big slap. I managed to be standing on my feet again from hesitation.

After the "heart-to-heart" conversation I had last night I know that I'm going to be fine; that everything will be fine again. It's always good to come clean with each other every once in awhile. At least I know that I made progression, that we are back on our track again.

It's just a matter of time. And time will consume everything. Though I might not be able to forget everything, but I managed to forgive everyone, open-heartedly.

Confession #3

I want to feel to be able to write again. I want to feel to be good in writing again. I want to have the inspirations everytime I start making a sentence. But all that I've been writing now are all junks, crappy stuff either be an emotional heart-breaking statements or a political related issues (which I have no idea of having interest over the subject).

I will end up making an unfinished-halfway-done-tiba-tiba-blank-post yang akhirnya dicancelkan tanpa sebarang perasaan belas kasihan. Just like this one. Not forgetting the haywire of grammatical error in every sentences. I think, I need to go for an intensive english class or maybe, maybe joining my little cousin in his standard 3 english class and start learning to differentiate a plural or singular based sentence.

I feel useless. I've stopped reading. All the books that placed nicely on my table are read halfway. Some are not even touched. The hibe of buying a book is still there but finishing it up will not be a successful. The excitement of knowing the ending thru a wonderful beginning has demolished; has gone down the drain. I need that excitement again. I need to feel the needing of reading a book. I need to distract myself from the world with knowledges; with a wonderful words of potraiting one's life. I need to be able to imagine again. All that I've been doing is pressuring myself with sadness. Sungguh depressing.

But I made progressions in my life.

Life - has been improving. I've recovered from my delusional-entah-apa-apa syndrome. I managed to control myself from hearing the other half of me from talking. I've took control of myself now. I managed to stay calm and think rationally. But it doesn't mean that I'm fully recovered. Recovery process takes time and that is why I said I am half way there. There are still a little bit of it placing here and there in my body which will take another half of my time to get out of my head, completely.

Work - has been depressing as always. It is the only one thing that I could never take control off. I have to admit that it has not been good compared to when I first started. The people are no longer fun. The environment is no longer fun. The office doesn't seem fun looking at all. I think I need to look for a new environment. Or maybe, maybe because I don't fit in this place anymore. *sigh*

Social networking - I managed to minimize my social surrounding. It turned out to be that some people are just not worth knowing, period!

Alot has happened lately. I guess, this is what growing up is all about. One has to take control of their responsibilities well. Prioritizing the needs and wants. Hardwork, patience and determination are required in fulfilling hopes and dreams (if you have one).

I'm going to get myself fix before it's too late.

Sekolah yang kucintai!

Referring to an article from The Malaysian Insider:-
http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/opinion/markus-lim/49940-sekolah-yang-kucintai I have my own opinion that I would love to share.

It was indeed a nice article written by Mr. Markus Lim reminiscing his memories with the school he had been with. It makes me reminiscing mine with my alma-mater which clearly has been demolished dued to development. It's so sad to think about it when I actually have no school that I can refer to. What would I say to my children/grandchildren/great grandchildren the greatness of the school their mother/grandmother had been with?

Nenek dulu sekolah mana? Hmm, sekolah nenek dah kena runtuh buat Pavillion. Sad, sad.

Well, that wasn't what I want to share. One of the comments received from the article was referring to how bad the school has been for producing two (2) politicians who have been condemned for being unreliable when it comes to solving a sensitive issue regarding the practices of religion in this country.

My say would be, it was not the school that had done wrong. It was not the school system that had done damages to the individuals but the person itself that has not practising what they have been thought.

The school that I've been and the school that was written in the article practices the same principles when it comes in educating their students. I have close connection with the school as most of my cousins/uncles/aunties were either from SJI, VI, CBN or BBGS. And we were thought to respect each other regardless of what religion you practise.

If I can remember correctly, those four schools were first ruled by the churches. And that explained why those school were situated next to a church. Only years later that the government decided to take over the schools as a purpose of standardizing the education system. But exceptional was given to SJI and CBN (and most of Convent schools, Assunta, La Salle etc) for they can still maintain under the development of the churches with no questions arised.

If you have been to these schools, you would notice that in every classrooms, there will be a cross sign situated on top of the wall (at the top of the green board). Their headmaster/headmistress would be someone from the church (with high qualification of course). There will be sunday prayers held at school every week and no one has ever questioned about it. There will also be a must for the ustazah/ustaz to perform doa every morning before school session starts. Religion was never an issue. We were all living harmoniously. We respect each religions. We have no questions about it (what are there to question anyway?) and most importantly, we respect each other. No racial conflict happened in school.

And I don't quite understand why the matter with "Allah" arised. If we respect each other regardless of any religion you practise, we would understand the important of respecting our beliefs. One does not need to be a politician to understand this. One does not need to be a great scholar to determine what's wrong and what's right when it comes to religion and beliefs. A 10 year-old kid can understand the importance of respecting ones belief. One just need to use the brain to think not the other parts of the body.

I have my say. I'm not siding anyone (I don't think I want to side anyone for any of that matter) Coz this matter is too small to think about. There would be other bigger things to solve compare to this little one. There are other serious issues that need to be solved compare to this tiny-winy little thing. I have my say.

As my school motto say,

"Nisi Dominus Frustra"

Without God, All is in Vain.

Aku & Mereka

Semakin hampir aku ke tarikh itu,
Semakin kuat ingatanku kepada mereka.
Semakin ingin aku melupakan mereka,
Semakin jelas memoriku terhadap peristiwa itu.

Bukan aku tak cuba,
Bukan aku mahu mengingatinya.
Dia datang dan kekal di situ.
Sampai bila, aku pun tak tahu.

Aku penat, aku bosan, aku keliru.
Dia buat aku jadi haru biru.
Dia buat aku jadi tak tentu.
Hilang arah tak bertuju,
Hilang tempat untuk mengadu.

Semakin kuat aku berusaha,
Semakin lemah aku dibuatnya.
Semakin aku cuba untuk menerimanya.
Semakin benci aku kepadanya.

Tapi sampai bila?





p/s: why are you still here, lingering in my head? I need peace. I need peace.

And the week has finally over

Statement: I have failed in being patient with work.

Conclusion: There will be no love candy for this week.

Work has been a disaster. It has been a rough week for me. I thought that I could cope with it but I failed tremendously. It was depressing, exhausting, noxious ah! menyusahkan, pendek kata.

And I have finally lost interest with work. All that I could think of right now is pursuing master's which clearly I have no idea what to pursue. I have headache everytime I think about work. I feel like vomitting everytime I think about my work. I feel like jumping from a 12 storey-building everytime I think about my workloads. Oh why oh god why do I have to face all this? Why can't growing up be an easy process? Why oh why?!

And yes, I am complaining.

If only money can grow on trees *sigh*.

Hence, I've came out with another rule of rocking life like a rockstar. And that, is by always be grateful with everything that you have. Try to look it on a positive way. I have a job (which I have always dream off) right after I graduated. I am earning a living while some are still struggling. Life is all about learning. You failed, you fixed it, you re-build what you've lost, you gained experience; you learned! That is a part of living a life. You have responsibilities. I have responsibilities. And work is one of them. I'm gaining my experiences with all the shits that happened. I learned from my mistakes. So, live with it whether you like it or not! It is your life after all. You are the one who is responsible for the colors of your life. right? no?!

On the other hand, one of my wishes has been granted. Alhamdulillah. After all that had happened, god answered my prayers. And now, it's all depend on me on how I'm going to work it out. Syukran!

Cause #2

It wasn't easy in fulfilling resolutions especially when it comes in fulfilling your OWN. The first step of rocking life like a rockstar was a hell to me. To be honest, having the decision to forgive and forget really the hardest thing to do. There will be the other person inside you who will always do the talking and there will be the other side of you who'll do the thinking. And you'll end up deciding who to follow; trying to figure out which one is the real YOU to do the actual thinking; making the right decision.

And so, in order to forgive and forget, I need to tell myself all the positive things though there will be a high possibilites of making the wrong decisions. But there will be no harm in trying won't they?!

Because in life, you are dealing with all sorts of people and they, for all you know don't have the same shape of your brain. They look things differently from the way you look over things. They are not talking the same language as you are and they certainly not walking towards the same direction as you are. Different people have different thoughts over things and that may lead you to misunderstanding. To understand a person might take you a century. Because no one knows what's there in your mind except yourself.

I vow to myself to always stay positive. It might be something super hard for me to do but I will try. At least, I know there will be a good outcome over it. Besides, having positive mind leads to a healthy life, isn't it?!

Obviously, there will not be an immediate feedback towards these actions but I'm willing to take it in a slow motion movement. Baby steps I shall say. One step at a time that may lead to a million steps ahead, Insyaallah.

First and for most, I will keep a positive mind over work. Work has been so depressing lately I have lost my way over it (not to mention the other elements too that lead to a depressing life). But like I mentioned earlier, I'm taking baby steps. Work comes first. If I manage to keep a positive mind over it throughout this whole week, I'll treat myself with a love candy.



note-to-self:
hari ini sungguh mencabar minda. perubaan pertama terhadap a positive mind.

Rule #1

We are already in the third week of January. Time flies with just a blink of an eye. I hope it is not too late for me to start with my new year's resolution. I never really practice making resolution every year for I know that I will never fulfill them at any possible time. But this year is totally a new year for me.

2010 is the year that I am going to make my resolution works. *finger crossed* And by works mean determination. My only resolution for this year is to rock life like a rockstar.

Rule #1 in rocking life like a rockstar is by reminding myself to always forgive and forget. Though it might be something very difficult for me to fulfill (knowing who Ajlaa Azam really is) I am going to make sure that I am willing to let myself to forgive and forget regardless of anything or anyone that invloves in my life.

I am in a state of waiting for the uncertainties. I am in the midst of hoping for something that I am not sure of. I am in the middle of hating everyone for any of that matter and I am stuck with denials. Yes, notice the plural?! And for what its worth, they have been succesfully ruin my life. I have hated myself more than I know. I have been hurting myself worst than a stabbing knife and I have been touring myself apart from its actual place.

So in order for me to rock life like a rockstar, I have to make sure that my heart and soul are clean. Clean from hatred!

So to you and you, I, Ajlaa Azam has forgive everything that you have caused me. I am not seeking for your forgiveness but I am here to forgive you and try my very best to forget everything that had happened. I just want a happy-clean life. I don't want to hate anyone. I don't want to ruin myself. Everything that had happened have caused me a terrible damage and I don't want to hurt myself anymore or cause anymore damages. It has caused me bad injuries that I don't want to make it anymore worst than what it already does.

I've cried myself an ocean (seriously bad!) and I don't want to cry anymore. I've hurt myself bad, I don't want to hurt it anymore. I'm trying to let everything go and forget about everything. What ever that comes after this is totally up to you. I just want to see myself smile again. Laugh like I used too. Be happy totally.

And to whom that it may concern, I've forgive you completely. Coz you don't deserve any of my time.

I will keep on reminding myself to always forgive and forget. Not just because of you or the damages that you've caused me but to have a clean heart and soul. I've suffered enough and I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't deserve this kind of suffering.

If by any chance that you stop by and read this (I doubt it), I just want to tell you that I appreciate everything that you've done so far. Though it might not be fair to both of us, but thank you for making me realized how bad I was before. I know that you are still trying (for the fact that you are trying very hard), I don't know when are you going to stop trying. I don't want to remember you or everything that you've caused me but I just hope that someday you'll stop trying. I forgive you!

Starting from today, January the 11th, Ajlaa Azam is learning to forgive and forget! Hope that it will last till the very last day; of my life!

Goodnight!

Aci-aci buka pintu, Nana balik pukul satu.

Selalunya, apa yang kita lihat tidak sama dengan apa yang kita rasa. Contohnya, makanan. Kadang-kadang rupa sesebuah makanan boleh membuatkan air liur meleleh serupa air hujan tetapi apabila di rasa; dicicah dengan lidah, yang keluar daripada mulut hanyalah perkataan "masyaallah" dengan dahi yang berkerut-kerut tanda penyesalan. Ok, "masyaallah" sounds too decent. WTF is more like it, isn't it?! Sorry for the decency. I'm trying to tone down my sense of cursing. WTH, back to the topic.

Serupa juga jika dituangkan sedikit minyak di dalam gelas yang berisi air jernih. Yang timbul adalah minyak dan yang di dasarnya yang tidak kelihatan adalah air jernih yang dituang terlebih dahulu. Basically, what you see on the surface is not the same as the one kept in the heart.

One can look very happy, laughing all the time, smiling from one ear to another but no one can see what's there in his/his heart. One can be very successful, driving big car, wearing prefectly designed couture but no one knows what kind of shits he/she has to go through in reaching the precious life. It's nothing like the rule of design, What You See Is What You Get. What You See Is Not Necessary What You'll Be Getting! Because in the rule of life, people need to survive and by surviving they have to pretend. Pretending to be someone they are not!

Life is not fair, that's the reality. Sebab kita hidup di dunia bukan hidup sorang-sorang. There are million of hearts to be taken care of. Siapa kata hidup itu senang? But the unfairness of life that make us grow stronger; reaching our goals. Fulfilling our desires over things that we always wanted. And that does not include being transparent with our own self.

I've been on the surface and I've been on the ground for the longest time. Thanks to her, she made me realized how bad I have been to myself and to others that matter to me most. Though I am still in state of denial but I am not going to give up on hope even if it takes me million of years to wait. And I will!




Disclamer:

• Tiba-tiba idea yang mencurah-curah tadi hilang macam kena sambar kilat. Work is depressing. How I wish that money can grow on trees. Boleh dipetik-petik tanpa perlu bekerja.
• Post ini tidak ada kena-mengena dengan tajuknya. Ini adalah kerana pada ketika tajuk itu ditulis, hanya lagu itu yang berkumandang di telinga saya tidak henti-henti. Jadi kesimpulannya, Aci-aci buka pintu, Nana balik pukul satu.
• Clicking the reality button.
• Adios!

Hide & Seek

The more you hide, the more it appears. The more you keep things to yourself, for the thought of locking it up for your own privacy, the wider the door opens for you. And as for me, the trouble for having a photographic memory is, it haunts me every second of my day. The only thing that I see today is the words that I saw and read the night before. Very heart-breaking.

On the other note, I seriously don't understand the needs of fighting in protecting the name of "Allah" against the Catholic paper. Allah is not a malay word for crying out load that needs to be protected.

Saya bukanlah seorang para alim ulama tetapi saya telah dididik dengan pengetahuan agama yang secukupnya sejak kecil yang boleh membezakan yang mana yang harus dijaga dan yang mana yang harus tidak dijaga. Perkataan Allah itu tidaklah perlu dijaga malah jika ia digunakan oleh penganut agama lain ia adalah sesuatu yang baik kerana ALLAH melambangkan tuhan yang satu. Jika di buka kitab-kitab, buku-buku kisah para nabian, tertera juga kalimah ALLAH dan saya yakin di zaman firaun juga, mereka memanggil tuhan sebagai ALLAH. Yang menjadikan ianya salah adalah jika ALLAH itu dilambangkan sebagai berhala. Dan jika itu benar-benar berlaku barulah ia harus ditentang dan dijaga.

So, the question now is, what's with the fuss?

Jika benar ingin memelihara, peliharalah dahulu yang tertera di depan mata. Kucar-kacir, haru-biru itulah yang harus dipelihara dahulu sebelum perkara remeh-temeh. Jadilah manusia yang berilmu dan berakal kerana tuhan mengurniakan akal untuk berfikir dan bukan bertindak mengikut akal kepala lutut.

Islam itu bukanlah agama yang menentang dan bukan juga agama yang menyusahkan. Jadi kenapa kita manusia yang bersusah payah menyusahkannya? Buka buku, luaskan dada, menuntut ilmu; barulah berkata-kata.

There are other million things that need to be fixed in this world. And this is not one of it. You are just showing to the world that you have no knowledge about your religion (the one that you claim to be practising). Sangat memalukan! Islam bukan melayu dan Melayu itu bukan Islam. Sepatutnya Islam lebih besar daripada Melayu. Not the other way round. Islam bukan pada bangsa tetapi pada agama. Bangsa Melayu di dunia tidak sampai suku daripada populasi dunia jika dibandingkan dengan penganut agama Islam and I have yet to see any other Muslims in this world fighting for the rights of the name ALLAH. Sad to say, Muslims in Malaysia are the only ones fighting for it.

Chop! Imam Masjidil Haram pun pernah bersalaman dengan Pope besar di Vatican City. Tak murtad pon dia?!

So how now brown cow?

Nak cakap jugak!

Kenapa manusia kalau yang di depan mata tak nampak, yang jauh beribu batu lah yang di jaga terlebih caring?



sila jawab wahai sang monyet yang arif lagi bijak sana!