Off Motherhood

It's been 82 days since I upgraded myself to a new status. From a mother of 1 to a proud mother of 2 healthy growing girls. So far, it has been great - challenging and tough but great. I have to admit that I struggle a bit (a lot actually). Time ni memang sesuai sangat nak guna #thestruggleisreal sebab the struggle memang REAL. 

My expectation of Iman being a big sister hancur musnah right after I gave birth. She looked OK at first. Sedikit clueless of who the baby is but after few days, she started to show tantrum. Iman used to be very independent. At her age, she is already able to do a lot of things on her own. Hence why at first I wasn't worried about having the second baby. Tapi semuanya berubah bila baby dah balik rumah and my time is mostly spent with the baby - feeding, bathing and all. Iman started to become jealous of her baby sister. And until today, she is not able to accept the sharing part lagi. This, I believe is also due for the fact that she has been the only child for 5 long years. 

As a mother, I have to admit that I am still struggling to manage both girls. How do I divide my love to both of them equally? Do I need to divide my love? What if I choose not too? Will they feel equally loved? How do I make sure that both of them will never ever feel less loved? Can I be fair to both of them? Will they get equal fair treatment? 

These are all the questions playing in my head which I obviously have no answers yet.

I know.... I know.... 82 days is still very new. I still have ample of time to readjust. But hey, the faster I fix it the better isn't it? 

My toughest challenge right now is to get Iman to get use to the idea of sisterhood. Calling herself "kakak" and the baby "adik" does not get her the idea/feeling of being a big sister. Clearly, she is struggling too. She feels less loved as it is translated clearly in all of her actions. She constantly seeking for everyone's attention. Masalahnya, takda siapa pon yang kasi less attention to her but I believe as a kid, she feels it.

Tried to slow talk with her but I think she refused to listen and understand. I have been very hard on her for the past few weeks. Ye lah, baru lepas bersalin kan. Penatnya lain macam and so very often that I scolded her unintentionally. Of course, I feel guilty after that but I just can't help it. Slowly, right now I try to control my temper as I believe that I need to be in Iman's shoes just till things are back to normal.

Motherhood does not come in manual. It is always try and error. I believe Allah granted me this "challenges" as He knows that I can do it. It is the matter of HOW which is totally up to me. I just need to have faith in everything that I do. Well, as easy as it sounds, it is not easy at all. It will never be easy. It is a continuous life learning process. They are my harta dunia dan akhirat and it is my responsibility to shape them no matter how hard it is. I ain't superheroes. Challenges come and go. There will be bad days and of course good days. I just need to embrace it. It will never be easy. IT WILL NEVER BE.

#thestruggleisreal

They are the love of my life. Always and forever. Dunia dan akhirat.