Off Motherhood

It's been 82 days since I upgraded myself to a new status. From a mother of 1 to a proud mother of 2 healthy growing girls. So far, it has been great - challenging and tough but great. I have to admit that I struggle a bit (a lot actually). Time ni memang sesuai sangat nak guna #thestruggleisreal sebab the struggle memang REAL. 

My expectation of Iman being a big sister hancur musnah right after I gave birth. She looked OK at first. Sedikit clueless of who the baby is but after few days, she started to show tantrum. Iman used to be very independent. At her age, she is already able to do a lot of things on her own. Hence why at first I wasn't worried about having the second baby. Tapi semuanya berubah bila baby dah balik rumah and my time is mostly spent with the baby - feeding, bathing and all. Iman started to become jealous of her baby sister. And until today, she is not able to accept the sharing part lagi. This, I believe is also due for the fact that she has been the only child for 5 long years. 

As a mother, I have to admit that I am still struggling to manage both girls. How do I divide my love to both of them equally? Do I need to divide my love? What if I choose not too? Will they feel equally loved? How do I make sure that both of them will never ever feel less loved? Can I be fair to both of them? Will they get equal fair treatment? 

These are all the questions playing in my head which I obviously have no answers yet.

I know.... I know.... 82 days is still very new. I still have ample of time to readjust. But hey, the faster I fix it the better isn't it? 

My toughest challenge right now is to get Iman to get use to the idea of sisterhood. Calling herself "kakak" and the baby "adik" does not get her the idea/feeling of being a big sister. Clearly, she is struggling too. She feels less loved as it is translated clearly in all of her actions. She constantly seeking for everyone's attention. Masalahnya, takda siapa pon yang kasi less attention to her but I believe as a kid, she feels it.

Tried to slow talk with her but I think she refused to listen and understand. I have been very hard on her for the past few weeks. Ye lah, baru lepas bersalin kan. Penatnya lain macam and so very often that I scolded her unintentionally. Of course, I feel guilty after that but I just can't help it. Slowly, right now I try to control my temper as I believe that I need to be in Iman's shoes just till things are back to normal.

Motherhood does not come in manual. It is always try and error. I believe Allah granted me this "challenges" as He knows that I can do it. It is the matter of HOW which is totally up to me. I just need to have faith in everything that I do. Well, as easy as it sounds, it is not easy at all. It will never be easy. It is a continuous life learning process. They are my harta dunia dan akhirat and it is my responsibility to shape them no matter how hard it is. I ain't superheroes. Challenges come and go. There will be bad days and of course good days. I just need to embrace it. It will never be easy. IT WILL NEVER BE.

#thestruggleisreal

They are the love of my life. Always and forever. Dunia dan akhirat.

My secondborn Irdina Alexandria Bt Muhamad Izwan

On 1st June 2016, I finally pee-ed on the stick again. Similarly like the previous one, I had a sudden high fever the night before. Somehow I had this strange feeling of being pregnant. In fact, I told my colleagues the day before that maybe.... just maybe I might be pregnant right now. We were in the midst of preparing an advance Hari Raya celebration the day before for our then Communication Director when I told them about this strange feelings. Sekali malam tu demam menggigil. Went to the clinic for a quick check up sebab I was feeling very very weak and the doctor confirmed that I have super high fever. Time tu tak check pon pregnancy test. Came out from the clinic, I went straight to Watson and bought myself the test kit. Balik rumah check, confirmed!

I didn't know at what week I was at that time sebab check dengan pregnancy test kit cap Watson je. We delayed our gynae's appointment sebab kena balik kampung that week for my sister in law's engagement. But I think it was around week 3/4 sebab I had my period before that.

We (I actually) weren't planning for the second one to happen last year. I was having my menstrual and the cycle seems to be normal. Funny thing was, Iman has been calling herself "Kakak" few weeks before that. She even mentioned that some of her toys are for her "adik". And I didn't even thought for a second that maybe I am pregnant. 

Little that I know, Izwan was actually hoping for this pregnancy. The joy on his face was really...... priceless when I told him the news. I on the other hand was in denial.........

9 months passed and I have to say that it was the worst pregnancy ever. I had continuous morning sickness for a period of 9 months. I was admitted to the hospital during the first trimester due to dehydration. I was on bed rest for close to a month due to the morning sickness. Nasib baik time tu dapat boss yang memahami. I was working from home most of the time. I lost 8kg during the first trimester. Memang muka cengkung macam orang sakit. The experience was totally different from Iman. For a second, I thought I was having a boy sebab perasaan and keadaannya sangat berbeza.

My personality changed totally. I became very impatient. Dahlah memang kurang kadar kesabaran tambah pulak dengan pregnant, it doubled up the impatient-ness. I was being angry all the time. This one due to work stress. I hated my boss, I hated the agency people, I hated the brand people, semualah. My hormone sangat imbalance. I was full of hatred. Benci semua orang. I hated myself at one point. I feel like shit. I look like shit. Memang haywire.

Fast forward to 37 weeks and 5 days, on a Saturday afternoon I (we) went for my last checkup before delivery. I was already dilated 2.5cm but the gynae advised us to go home and come back at night sebab based on the previous record, my dilation progresses slowly. My gynae predicted that it is going to be the same as per Iman's and his prediction is SUPER accurate. 

We went jalan-jalan instead after checkup sebab it will be my last jalan-jalan before kena kurung. So we went to KLCC (tempat kesayangan), jalan-jalan and do our super last minute shopping for the baby and then baru balik rumah. Sempatlah buat repacking, mandi dan segalanya before serah diri. So after dinner around 10-ish, off we go to Ampang Puteri.

Checked in to the labour room and I was only 3.5cm dilated. So lepak-lepaklah dalam labour room. Contraction was half an hour gap but I wasn't feeling any pain at that time. Sempat lagi message-message orang and sembang-sembang with Izwan. He on the other hand, tengah prepare diri untuk tidur. 

Around 4ish am, the doctor came to check and I was only 5cm dilated with mild contraction. Masih bearable the pain. The doctor pecahkan air ketumban and immediately after that the contraction became very strong. Every 5 minutes gap. Since this is my second experience, it was more manageable. I managed to control the breathing time contraction datang but masyAllah, the pain sangat-sangat sakit. I opted for pain killer jer. Syukur alhamdulillah, at 5.37am, I have successfully delivered a healthy baby girl secara normal.

And yes, similarly like Iman, the only thing I said during labour was nak berak... nak berak... and nak berak. The doctor tak sempat nak suruh push pon, baby dah keluar sebab mak dia nak berak sangat. 

Azan subuh pon berkumandang sesudah delivered. Alhamdulillah, rezeki baby. Just like Iman, the baby was delivered on the 37th week and 5 day with 2.90kg weight and 49.5cm lenght.

Introducing you my second baby girl, Irdina Alexandria Bt Muhamad Izwan.

Syukur alhamdulillah, I would like to thank the team from Ampang Puteri Specialist Hospital, Dr. Marlik Abu and his team for doing a great job helping me throughout the whole delivery process. Although one of the senior midwife was being so ever strict with me, I believe she was doing her job though I ended up being traumatized by her (shall not write about her here). Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I received a good in-house services and I will continue to go with this hospital if ever I conceive again *batuk*batuk*kahak*. 

Alhamdulillah, I am a proud mother of 2. The pressure is on bebeh, so ONZ!

Oh my... 2017

Assalamualaikum and salam sejahtera. Oh gosh, it's been almost a year since my last post. Rasanya memang macam dalam setahun adalah beberapa posts sahaja before I start to abandon this blog again. Ada niat nak close it down permanently but somehow it never happened. The idea of keeping it alive is still going strong but to remain inactive. Ntah macam mana, tiba-tiba terbuka blog yang penuh bersawang ni. Luckily, I still remember the username and password and tergerak pulak hati nak update post hari ni. Oh my, I really, really miss blogging. Maybe I should start blogging again. Dok cakap benda ni every year but in the end, this blog is left untouched.

So, since we are here, quick update on everything that happened for the past 1 year. 

Overall, life is great, syukur Alhamdulillah. I gave birth to my second child last January 2017. This deserves its' own post. Will write about it separately. Hopefully, this won't be my last post for the year *teehee*. The experience is totally different from Iman's. Ahh, will definitely write about it. So now that my little family has grown, tanggungjawab pun semakin besar lah kan?! Can't believe that I'm a mother of 2. Rasa diri ni masih lagi macam budak-budak. Maybe I've grown my maturity tapi cuma tak terasa sahaja. Young at heart gitew, ahaks!

Career-wise, 2016 have been another challenging yet rewarding year. Syukur Alhamdullilah, I recieved 2x promotions unexpectedly. Within a year and a half in service, I was rewarded with work promotion twice. Yang sebetulnya, ini betul-betul rezeki anak. Received the first promotion after I got to know that I was pregnant with the second child while the second promotion came weeks before I gave birth to Irdina. Memang rezeki anak-anak. Belom sempat untuk berkhidmat dah on maternity leave. By the way, I'm on 3 months maternity leave. Rasanya sungguh lama and I am now 2 weeks away from resuming back to work. Syukur rezeki yang Allah kurniakan. Now I have bigger responsibility to hold and the expectation is well, bigger now. Interesting things happen to my worklife. Shall update it once I'm officially on-board. It will be my biggest challenge now to report to a new boss whom used to be my ex-client. 

And finally, I completed my Masters and I am now waiting for my convocation date. Syukur yang tak terhingga, the journey finally ended after years of enduring it. I finally submitted my thesis 2 weeks before going into labour. It was really a pain in the a*se but Syukur ya Allah, I managed to score an A- and that brings to my CGPA of 3.43. Higher than time degree dulu weyh. Mak saya pon tak percaya. Now, speaking of being a Masters graduate, what are we planning to do with it? Honestly, parts of me feels like quitting the job to further to another higher education level (Read: PhD). But right now, I really feel like focusing on family and career. Enough of exams and classes. We'll see! But if ever I make the decision to further my studies, it will definitely be full-time (and abroad). No more study+kerja. Penat weyh.

That's it for now. Now that I am still on leave, will try to update on a daily basis. Kalau rajin. Kalau tak, tunggulah tahun depan.

Till then, Assalamualaikum. 

Syawal 1435H: Kedah

Alhamdulillah, we were given another opportunity to celebrate Aidilfitri together as husband and wife. This year marks the fourth year for us celebrating Aidilfitri and Alhamdulillah, so far we have not encountered any difficulties (read: gaduh) in celebrating raya - which side should we celebrate first. Sebab setiap tahun pun memang akan celebrate with both sides. It's a matter of which side we will be celebrating the 1st day of Raya.

This year it's Kedah time! 

We (Iman and I. Don't ask why Izwan didn't follow us) took Saturday flight to Penang (sebab flight pergi Alor Star semua dah fully booked) and Izwan picked us up at the airport and we spent half of our day there as my mother and sister in law wanted to get themselves a new pair of shoes for raya. Pendek kata, shopping raya. 

I have not been to Penang for the longest time and from the short visit I made, Penang has changed a lot! New nice housing areas were built around the island and membuatkan raya macam nak duduk sana pulak. Maybe I should accept USM offer *cough*cough*

So kembali ke cerita raya.

Our raya involved Kodiang - Jitra - Alor Star. Hari-hari pon Kodiang - Jitra - Alor Star. Sedikit lain rasa beraya di kampung. Keadaan agak sebok unlike Raya di KL. KL sangat lengang sampai boleh bergolek di atas jalan raya. Rasa seronoknya berbeza-beza. Nak merasa beraya dengan udara segar pulak sekali-sekala.

Our family photo on the first day of Aidilfitri. Complete satu set!

And on the 3rd day of Raya, we hosted a so called open house to welcome our new family member. My BIL got married few months ago and didn't get the chance to introduce his new wife to the family. Therefore, the open house is meant to introduce his wife to the family.

This is just half of the clan. Yang lagi half dah balik rumah.

All in all, we had a wonderful Raya time in Kedah. It's good to see that everyone is back to celebrate raya. Orang melayu kata, buang yang keruh ambik yang jernih. 

What's goes around comes around

I went to visit a relative last weekend. He went through a major right leg surgery couple of weeks ago and he's now walking supported by the crutches. He's recovery fast, Alhamdulillah but he needs to go through the physiotherapy treatment to ensure that the leg is OK, Insya Allah.

And it made me realized that nothing in this world is permanent. One can be very successful, be at the highest achievement level that he/she can be, recognised by the world, known by thousands of people and very influential. But when the time comes, the time where Allah takes everything that you have, you are nothing! 

Bumi ini bulat. Ada kala kita di atas dan ada kala kita di bawah. Kita tak tahu berapa lama kita akan berada di atas dan kita tak akan tahu bila kita akan di tarik ke bawah. Jadi, kita kena senantiasa beringat bahawa everything that we have/own are all temporary.

Arrogant kills! Selalunya, bila kita berada di atas, kita mula menjadi bongkak and angkuh dengan segala yang kita miliki. Kita lupa orang-orang di sekeliling kita. Kita lupa asal usul kita. Kita mula rasa apa yang orang lain buat semuanya salah which leads to one being uncontrollable over other people's opinion. And we started to hurt people especially the ones closest to our heart.

It's a norm for parents to want to give everything to their children. They want nothing but the best for their children - the best education, the best environment, the best life possible and I'm included. I work hard so that I can give the best life to my children. But nothing in life comes for free. Though I want the best for my children, but I do not want to spoil them with luxurious life. I learned life the hardest way and I want them to experience life the same way as I was so that they will appreciate their life and surroundings more. They will understand the value of life and being more appreciative towards the people that matters the most.

It's heart breaking to see the people that you love the most were not there when you needed them. You have showered them with a good life and yet, they were not there when you needed them.

I know I can be a little bit ignorant sometimes (and stubborn too). Being ignorant just to show how much I hated them for things that they have done and to show my protest which I know is wrong. I have no rights to show such attitude and it's not fair for them the receive such treatment. Though what they did was wrong, it is not my position to punish them. In fact, I should forgive them and pray and hope that one day they'll come clean. 

This visit taught me a new meaning in life. I really need to put aside my ego and learn to forgive more. Because I do not want to loose the people who I love the most. Everything is temporary but family stays forever. Appreciate them more. 

Happy 63rd birthday, mum!

Every year without fail we will either have birthday lunch or dinner celebrating the parents' birthday. Itu adalah acara wajib setiap tahun. And since my sister and I dah bekerjaya (chewah!), we try to make an afford to at least give them something special on their birthday.

Bukan selalu kitaorang nak bagi birthday present as we are not as fortunate as other people but alhamdulillah, I know now my parents are very happy. They have worked so hard to raise us and this is one of our ways to pay them back for all their hard work.

So, I suggested that we give our mum a new wallet for this year's birthday. And since she loves Burberry so much, why not?

Maka, berjalan-jalanlah kami sekeluarga ke KLCC untuk memilih wallet pilihan ibu tercinta.

Happy 63rd birthday mum. Hope you like the gift. There is no words to describe how much I love you. Being a mother myself, I understand now, how much sacrifices you have made just to make sure that your children "jadi orang". You are one strong woman and I pray to Allah to grant you happiness here and the afterlife. Thank you mum. Love you to the moon and back.

Sydney Day 5

Well hello! As much as I wanted to complete this series of Sydney trip, this is the final post of our 2013 family holiday.

It was raining heavily on day 5. Our initial plan was to visit the Tango Zoo but unfortunately, the weather doesn't permit us. Hence, we went for a short jalan-jalan around the city. Our first pit-stop was the ever famous Queen Victoria Building. Since, our main objective doesn't includes shopping hence, it doesn't wow us much. We walked through the first floor of the mall before heading our to the city. We walked through the streets without any fixed direction. Jalan-jalan redah hujan namanya.

The famous Queen Victoria Building

You're Welcome :)

To be honest, I can't remember these streets. It's 3 months ago and I have forgotten all the street's names. But it was a good walk. It reminds me so much of London. Seeing the old buildings standing strong on the streets impresses me much. We didn't even stop at any of the shop. Impressive ha! Sight-seeing means sight-seeing, strictly no shopping!

Upon to this long walk we had on the streets, we ended up at the park situated right in the middle of the city. And again, I can't seem to remember the name of the park. Despite the heavy rain, the park still looks nice to me.

Obviously, I was the cranky one.

One of the oldest church in Sydney. It's called St. Mary (I Think!)

Our last pit-stop for the day was to The Rock. It has its own history. It's the oldest town in Sydney and everything there looks exactly like how it was decades ago. It probably have done several changes but according to the tour book, everything looks exactly the same. 

Aren't they beautiful. I was quite disappointed as I wasn't got the chance to walk around the area. Iman was so tired that she fell asleep half way through The Rock and I was so tired of walking I guess.

It was a long day for us walking under the rainy weather but hey, it was a good experience. At least, Iman can tell all her friends that she has been to Sydney though I doubt she remembers the trip.

And of course, we were all tired because of the walking, we passed out the moment we arrived our apartment. That night was the final night of our stay at Medina Apartment as he have to leave early to catch 10.00am flight to Kuala Lumpur. It was again a looonnngggggg flight for the fact that it was on bright sunny day hence the hours seem so long.

Iman had funny, that's for sure. She was even the flight attendance for that day - walking around up and down. I'm sure she had fun!

So, this is it. The end of my Sydney trip. Fuuuhhhhh! Akhirnya.

Sydney day 3 & 4

Day 3

Continuing our holiday trip at Sydney, we spent our 3rd day at Paddy's Market and Paddy's Market only. Hari yang penuh dengan kejadian. As usual, we started our day late as the lil princess decided to sleep extra hours that morning hence our day started at about 11-ish AM. We rushed to the ferry station only to know that we took the wrong ferry to the city. We stopped at one of the station and took a bus instead. Interestingly, the old folks of this city commuted with the public transportation quite well. Age is not a factor to stay at home and do nothing. They rather go out and enjoy their days walking down the city. Sydney is indeed a place for pensioners, heh!

Anyway, we stopped at the Central Station - transit train from Circular Quay and walk all the way to Paddy's Market. No wonder I lost few kgs during this trip, jalan memanjang.

The main entrance of Central Station

The Central Station

Walking to Paddy's Market

Paddy's Market - the cheap gifts store

Didn't expect the "cheap" gifts to be very cheap, we decided to go again to Paddy's Market the next day. My mother was the excited one for their wet market. She bought all sorts of fruits and veggies - apple, oranges, banana, sayuran-sayuran. They are all fresh and cheap!

Selepas penat membeli-belah, we balik rumah dengan hati yang riang.

Day 4

Before we headed again to Paddy's Market, we went to Sydney's Under Water World at Darling Harbour to see all the interesting underwater world adventures. Amaze-balls!

The floated ship restaurant at Darling Harbour

The large crab - memang besar gila!

The underwater world tunnel

Gambar shok sendiri.

Dugong.

Besar kan?

Another underwater world tunnel

Ibu and Iman

There were thousands of pretty pictures we took at this place. Tak tahu kenapa we appreciate more of this kalau kat negara orang instead of the one we have in our own country (Aquaria). Maybe I should bring Iman to Aquaria and compare. But anyway, we had fun!

Then we jalan-jalan at the nearby area before heading to Paddy's Market. Tak habis-habis promote Paddy's Market.

The view at Darling Harbour

We singgah at China Town for awhile. My mother wanted to look for a pack of rice sekali tak jumpa. We spotted a Halal Malaysia Chinese Restaurant at China Town but we didn't try it sebab mak masak kat rumah lagi sedap.

Malay Village at China Town

The main entrance to China Town

Memang penat gila. Balik memang pengsan. Imagine, I have to carry Iman all day long inside the carrier. Patah tulang I tell you.

Oklah, shall continue soon. Enough of a long picture post for today.

Stories on Sydney day 1 & Sydney day 2 

Sydney Day 2

Hai, bila nak habis my Sydney chronicle ni. I just remembered that I haven't completed my Sydney story. So here's to day 2.

Our second day was spent on 1 location only. A walk to The Royal Botanical Garden. Yes, you read it right. We had a day walk at a park. We covered every area - South, East, West & North, you name it. But before we made the visit, we visited the most popular place in Sydney - The Opera House of course.

We started our day quite late as we waited the lil princess to wake up. She just loved the weather she decided to sleep more than 12 hours that night.

It's going to be a post full of photos. Senang sikit tak banyak cerita nak celoteh.

Our daily transportation - the ferry at Double Bay to Circular Quay station

Opera House from the ferry

All 5 of us in front of Opera House

We passed by the Parliament House on our way to the park. We wanted to visit the Parliament House but unfortunately, there was an event happening on that day. Tak ada rezeki kami.

In front of the Parliament House

And so, our walk to the park begins.

The herbs garden

The roses at the park. Masyaallah, cantik sungguh

Huge palm trees. Iman tengah syiok tidur

Sakura trees

Mommy and the tulips. They were so nice

The Botanical Garden and its view. Magnificent 

The view from the hill top - the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge

That's summarized up our day 2. Balik dah ngam-ngam pkol 6 and it's already dark. Balik dengan keadaan yang patah kaki tak sangga. We spent 3 hours walking at the park. Never have I walked that long at a park in my life but I did it in Sydney, bravo!!

Shall continue with day 3 soon.

Recap on Sydney Day 1

AidilAdha lunch menu

Salam to all my muslim brothers and sisters. How was your AidilAdha? And I'm sure my non-Muslim friends were enjoying their 1 day public holiday yesterday.

Anyway, I actually drafted a post on Qurban and what it means to me but I guess I'll post it up later as I would love to share the lunch menu we had yesterday for the family first, heeeeee.

As usual, my mother the chef prepared the scrumptious food and I, tolong sikit-sikit je. We had Nasi Tomato ala-Maklang as what called by the lil cousins.

The below picture was the first step of preparing the kari dalca, the top left is the nasi tomato and top right is the fried chicken. 

And after hours of fighting in the kitchen,

Voila! Nasi tomato was served on AidilAdha.

I had a fun family time during AidilAdha. I was busy the whole of last week hence I took the opportunity to spend this 1 day with the family, especially with lil Iman. This was also her first nasi tomato - out of her ordinary nasi separa lembek and she loved it, yey!

And it's good to know that everyone had it more than just a plate.

Sydney Day 1

Finally, tersampai juga hajat nak tulis on my September family holiday to Sydney. Believe it or not, I am here in my class hearing my lecturer lecturing in front of the class on one end while on the other end, writing about my holiday. Sungguh inappropriate. 

Anyway, we went for a 6 days 5 nights stay with the parents, kakak and lil Iman. The husband decided not to follow us sebab dia kata "Sydney is not my place". So yeay, he was left behind alone looking after the house. We went on our own - didn't attached with any of the tour agency. Thanks to my sister for doing all the research and preparing our itinerary. My duty was just to get them the air tickets which ended up having so much problem. Note to self - I will never fly with AirAsia again. OK, itu cerita lain.

So anyway, we started our journey taking the night flight to Sydney via Air Asia. It was a loonnnnnngggg 8 hours flight but Alhamdulillah, Iman slept throughout the whole journey. Kalau tak, imagine the hustle I have to go through. I forced myself to sleep during the journey else, I pon akan meroyan dalam flight. Don't want to complain much about it sebab we were the one yang nak naik Air Asia. 

Enough on Air Asia story, we safely landed at Sydney International Airport half an hour earlier than the scheduled time. Landed around 9.30am Sydney time on a Thursday morning. One of our fear was not being able to get out from the immigration checkout clean. With all the instant food the we brought along during the trip sungguh merisaukan. Just to be safe, we decided to declare everything. Alhamdulillah, we were let go free dengan mudahnya. I believe this is all because of Iman. Everything is labelled under baby food hence the immigration officers let us go with no extensional check-up. Risau ok knowing that Australian immigration department yang sungguh super strict but Alhamdulilah!

We got the MPV taxi right at the arrival exit and we went straight to our apartment. We stayed at Medina Apartment, Double Bay. Thanks again to my efficient kakak who made the bookings. She was the one doing all the research. In fact, our first option was to stay at Malaysia Hall tapi sebab dah full we decided to go for this apartment. Ada hikmahnya.

Our apartment.

This is our neighbouring area.

The neighbouring area - our usual walk to the nearby grocery shop

The view from our living room.

And of course, the lil girl is enjoying herself walking barefooted on a cold weather.

We safely arrived our apartment at 12 noon and Masyaallah, the weather was wonderful. Bright, windy and cooling. Our apartment was located at Double Bay, 5 minutes walk to the nearest Double Bay ferry station. It's a housing area and the place was peaceful. Tenang sangat.

Due to the long hours of journey we had earlier, we decided not to go anywhere that day. After we settled down, semua pengsan. By the time we woke up dah pukol 5.30pm (Sydney time) and by 6.00pm it was already dark outside. No point pon nak keluar.

Our jalan-jalan starts the next day which I will write soon.