The end of maternity leave

Pejam celik, pejam celik, this week is the final week of my 3 months maternity leave. Macam sekejap naw rasanya. Not going to lie but I am actually looking forward to be back to work. 3 months is a very long time for me. I went kuku (seriously, not lying). Nasib baik tak ambik 6 months leave. Boleh jadi gila kot!

But I miss being around my babies. I miss doing house work. I miss being a stay-at-home-mom. I learned a lot while staying at home. I give my full respect to all SAHMs. You guys are so amazing. Memang tak menang tangan. Bangun pagi je dah ada benda nak buat. I wake up very early in the morning to pump. Then, I get Iman to get ready for school. Dengan Iman je akan berperang 1 jam nak settle dia sampailah dia keluar rumah, naik kereta dan pergi sekolah. Lepas tu baru I have time for my breakfast itu pun if Irdina tak bangun. Things will be out of hands bila both of them decided to bangun secara berjemaah. Dengan mana nak uruskan dulu. Siapa nak mandi dulu. Siapa yang akan menangis dengan kuatnya. Memang boleh jadi Hulk but then, bila dah settle, the house will become very quiet, sigh!

After that comes all the house chores - jemur kain, kemas bilik, kemas dapur. I usually mandi around 3pm everyday. Life memang macam fixed routine. Petang siap-siap prepare for minum petang for everyone including Iman. Another round of berperang with Iman. Fixed routine. Malam memang rasa penat gila. PENAT GILA! I think maybe because I just gave birth but memang seriously PENAT GILA!.

Don't get me wrong. I'm looking forward to going back to work bukan sebab tak nak buat kerja rumah. But I guess, I am the type of person who works not the type yang stay at home. I will have emotional instability kalau duduk rumah lama-lama. I prefer to stay out of the house and still buat kerja rumah bila balik. I prefer that way. But yes, you SAHMs are amazing. AMAZING!!!!

Within this short break, there are 2 most important things that I managed to settle which I plan to write about it satu-persatu. 

1. Settled PTPTN - will defintiely write about this
2. Register Iman sekolah darjah 1 - will write about it but not now.

Sangat rasa berbangga especially #1. Macam ringan rasa sebelah tangan.

3 months break has open-up a new life's perspective for me. I can actually save up a lot of my money if I know how to manage my financial expenses. Duduk rumah 3 bulan I managed to decrease my credit card amount. Well, kenalah tahan nafsu berbelanja and I am pretty much determine now to reduce it even further. Kalau boleh I want to just keep it to pay up my monthly insurance bill and duit minyak. Lain-lain perbelanjaan guna duit gaji - kalau ada duit beli, takda duit duduk diam-diam. I need to start saving again. Dulu simpan duit lepas tu keluar. Not sustainable at all. Now, it has to be more sustainable. Again, tahan nafsu berbelanja. I have 2 kids now. Handbag mahal tunggu bonus *teehee*

So yes, goodbye SAHM, hello Corporate World.

Off Motherhood

It's been 82 days since I upgraded myself to a new status. From a mother of 1 to a proud mother of 2 healthy growing girls. So far, it has been great - challenging and tough but great. I have to admit that I struggle a bit (a lot actually). Time ni memang sesuai sangat nak guna #thestruggleisreal sebab the struggle memang REAL. 

My expectation of Iman being a big sister hancur musnah right after I gave birth. She looked OK at first. Sedikit clueless of who the baby is but after few days, she started to show tantrum. Iman used to be very independent. At her age, she is already able to do a lot of things on her own. Hence why at first I wasn't worried about having the second baby. Tapi semuanya berubah bila baby dah balik rumah and my time is mostly spent with the baby - feeding, bathing and all. Iman started to become jealous of her baby sister. And until today, she is not able to accept the sharing part lagi. This, I believe is also due for the fact that she has been the only child for 5 long years. 

As a mother, I have to admit that I am still struggling to manage both girls. How do I divide my love to both of them equally? Do I need to divide my love? What if I choose not too? Will they feel equally loved? How do I make sure that both of them will never ever feel less loved? Can I be fair to both of them? Will they get equal fair treatment? 

These are all the questions playing in my head which I obviously have no answers yet.

I know.... I know.... 82 days is still very new. I still have ample of time to readjust. But hey, the faster I fix it the better isn't it? 

My toughest challenge right now is to get Iman to get use to the idea of sisterhood. Calling herself "kakak" and the baby "adik" does not get her the idea/feeling of being a big sister. Clearly, she is struggling too. She feels less loved as it is translated clearly in all of her actions. She constantly seeking for everyone's attention. Masalahnya, takda siapa pon yang kasi less attention to her but I believe as a kid, she feels it.

Tried to slow talk with her but I think she refused to listen and understand. I have been very hard on her for the past few weeks. Ye lah, baru lepas bersalin kan. Penatnya lain macam and so very often that I scolded her unintentionally. Of course, I feel guilty after that but I just can't help it. Slowly, right now I try to control my temper as I believe that I need to be in Iman's shoes just till things are back to normal.

Motherhood does not come in manual. It is always try and error. I believe Allah granted me this "challenges" as He knows that I can do it. It is the matter of HOW which is totally up to me. I just need to have faith in everything that I do. Well, as easy as it sounds, it is not easy at all. It will never be easy. It is a continuous life learning process. They are my harta dunia dan akhirat and it is my responsibility to shape them no matter how hard it is. I ain't superheroes. Challenges come and go. There will be bad days and of course good days. I just need to embrace it. It will never be easy. IT WILL NEVER BE.

#thestruggleisreal

They are the love of my life. Always and forever. Dunia dan akhirat.

My secondborn Irdina Alexandria Bt Muhamad Izwan

On 1st June 2016, I finally pee-ed on the stick again. Similarly like the previous one, I had a sudden high fever the night before. Somehow I had this strange feeling of being pregnant. In fact, I told my colleagues the day before that maybe.... just maybe I might be pregnant right now. We were in the midst of preparing an advance Hari Raya celebration the day before for our then Communication Director when I told them about this strange feelings. Sekali malam tu demam menggigil. Went to the clinic for a quick check up sebab I was feeling very very weak and the doctor confirmed that I have super high fever. Time tu tak check pon pregnancy test. Came out from the clinic, I went straight to Watson and bought myself the test kit. Balik rumah check, confirmed!

I didn't know at what week I was at that time sebab check dengan pregnancy test kit cap Watson je. We delayed our gynae's appointment sebab kena balik kampung that week for my sister in law's engagement. But I think it was around week 3/4 sebab I had my period before that.

We (I actually) weren't planning for the second one to happen last year. I was having my menstrual and the cycle seems to be normal. Funny thing was, Iman has been calling herself "Kakak" few weeks before that. She even mentioned that some of her toys are for her "adik". And I didn't even thought for a second that maybe I am pregnant. 

Little that I know, Izwan was actually hoping for this pregnancy. The joy on his face was really...... priceless when I told him the news. I on the other hand was in denial.........

9 months passed and I have to say that it was the worst pregnancy ever. I had continuous morning sickness for a period of 9 months. I was admitted to the hospital during the first trimester due to dehydration. I was on bed rest for close to a month due to the morning sickness. Nasib baik time tu dapat boss yang memahami. I was working from home most of the time. I lost 8kg during the first trimester. Memang muka cengkung macam orang sakit. The experience was totally different from Iman. For a second, I thought I was having a boy sebab perasaan and keadaannya sangat berbeza.

My personality changed totally. I became very impatient. Dahlah memang kurang kadar kesabaran tambah pulak dengan pregnant, it doubled up the impatient-ness. I was being angry all the time. This one due to work stress. I hated my boss, I hated the agency people, I hated the brand people, semualah. My hormone sangat imbalance. I was full of hatred. Benci semua orang. I hated myself at one point. I feel like shit. I look like shit. Memang haywire.

Fast forward to 37 weeks and 5 days, on a Saturday afternoon I (we) went for my last checkup before delivery. I was already dilated 2.5cm but the gynae advised us to go home and come back at night sebab based on the previous record, my dilation progresses slowly. My gynae predicted that it is going to be the same as per Iman's and his prediction is SUPER accurate. 

We went jalan-jalan instead after checkup sebab it will be my last jalan-jalan before kena kurung. So we went to KLCC (tempat kesayangan), jalan-jalan and do our super last minute shopping for the baby and then baru balik rumah. Sempatlah buat repacking, mandi dan segalanya before serah diri. So after dinner around 10-ish, off we go to Ampang Puteri.

Checked in to the labour room and I was only 3.5cm dilated. So lepak-lepaklah dalam labour room. Contraction was half an hour gap but I wasn't feeling any pain at that time. Sempat lagi message-message orang and sembang-sembang with Izwan. He on the other hand, tengah prepare diri untuk tidur. 

Around 4ish am, the doctor came to check and I was only 5cm dilated with mild contraction. Masih bearable the pain. The doctor pecahkan air ketumban and immediately after that the contraction became very strong. Every 5 minutes gap. Since this is my second experience, it was more manageable. I managed to control the breathing time contraction datang but masyAllah, the pain sangat-sangat sakit. I opted for pain killer jer. Syukur alhamdulillah, at 5.37am, I have successfully delivered a healthy baby girl secara normal.

And yes, similarly like Iman, the only thing I said during labour was nak berak... nak berak... and nak berak. The doctor tak sempat nak suruh push pon, baby dah keluar sebab mak dia nak berak sangat. 

Azan subuh pon berkumandang sesudah delivered. Alhamdulillah, rezeki baby. Just like Iman, the baby was delivered on the 37th week and 5 day with 2.90kg weight and 49.5cm lenght.

Introducing you my second baby girl, Irdina Alexandria Bt Muhamad Izwan.

Syukur alhamdulillah, I would like to thank the team from Ampang Puteri Specialist Hospital, Dr. Marlik Abu and his team for doing a great job helping me throughout the whole delivery process. Although one of the senior midwife was being so ever strict with me, I believe she was doing her job though I ended up being traumatized by her (shall not write about her here). Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I received a good in-house services and I will continue to go with this hospital if ever I conceive again *batuk*batuk*kahak*. 

Alhamdulillah, I am a proud mother of 2. The pressure is on bebeh, so ONZ!

Postpartum Depression

Statistic shows that one out of ten pregnant women will be experiencing postpartum depression post natal delivery. Well, statistic is just numbers to justify the evidence in any conducted research studies but I believe this can happen to anyone including myself. As hard to admit, I experienced mild postpartum depression after I had my second child. Syukur Alhamdulillah, I managed to control myself supaya ia tidak melarat and thank god I do not feel delusional throughout the whole period of time.

You see, I'm the type of person who plans everything from work, daily routine, tasks, everything lah. I even prepared a backup plan just in case things does not work out accordingly. I plan so that I can maximize my time. The downside to this is that I become easily agitated and frustrated when my plans do not followed through. And as for this second pregnancy, since this is the second time being pregnant, I plan to improve my post-natal delivery from the first one. So I plan in what to do and what to prepare. Though my preparation was pretty much last minute but in my head I already had them prepared. Ok, this may sound silly but I'm that type of person who prepares everything.

Unfortunately, things don't work out according to the plans.

I went through my confinement by myself. Since this is the second one, I'm pretty much know what to do. So I opted for this option of going through it myself. Though I'm staying with my parents but the whole process is done by me. This is when it's all started. The pressure is on when Iman started to show tantrum right after I gave birth. The expectation of her being a big sister is not happening when she becomes so jealous of her baby sister. And due to this, the pressure hits me without knowing. Not blaming others but this one is really on me. I pampered her so much that she feels less loved especially from me hence, the tantrum. On top of that, my makcik urut decided to cancel on me at a very last minute. She got her friend to replace her but the service is not up to my expectation. I became agitated as I did not get what I want but I went through it anyways.

Days passed by but the frustration really hits me. I started to feel angry all the time. Lonely by the day but it gets better at night as everyone is at home. I become very tired and I started to blame Iman on this. Izwan was with me but somehow his presence doesn't help much. I feel very lonely and tired. I wasn't feeling happy. Worried most of the time. Worried over unnecessary things. I started to imagine bad things happening to my baby. The what ifs - what if I fall down when carrying the baby? What if the baby drown during bath time? What if suddenly I started to loose my mind while feeding the baby? All this started to play in my head.

The peak of it is when I started to become physical with Iman. Tidaklah sampai mendera but I started to cubit and pukul. I have never touched Iman bila marah but somehow I let out my anger at her. I feel angry all the time. I was being angry at Iman, at Izwan, at everyone and at everything. I refused to let anyone come and visit me. I just want to stay alone, away from everyone. That's when I realized that I am emotionally unstable and that I need to do something before it become uncontrollable.

I try to talk to Izwan about it but at the same time, I failed to let him help me. My emotional become very unstable that I started to shut him out from me.

Acknowledging the sickness, I took a few step back and review myself and try to fix it before it is too late.

1. Acceptance. Deep in my heart I know that I wasn't ready to have a second child. During pregnancy, it took me awhile to accept the fact that I was caring one due to the fact that I had a very tough pregnancy. I experienced morning sickness throughout the whole 9 months. I was being angry throughout my pregnancy. I blame the hormone. I wasn't really feeling happy at that time. It got worst when I can't fit my old clothes anymore. And I became very angry for not being able to accept the fact that my body is changing. The anger stays till delivery.
2. Forgiving. The midwife that was helping me during labour wasn't really helping me much (that's what I felt at that point of time). I was traumatized because of her. She wasn't being friendly. I know she is doing her job but c'mon, it doesn't hurt anyone by being nice/friendly. Your patient is already in pain. Do not add in anymore pain to her.
3. Social media. I got caught out with the whatsapps group messages. I felt left out with all the fun that the work group is having. I got jealous of the good stuff that other people is having from the view of FB and instagram whereby I on the other hand is stuck in the house.
4. Control-freak. I can't change who I am. It's good to plan but it is not good to set the expectation by yourselves. I told myself that I need to stop drinking coffee because it may affect the baby while feeding. But hey, it is not true. I drink coffee and my baby is doing just fine. I need to know myself better at this. I'm a coffee lover so don't ever stop drinking coffee. My milk production is doing just fine. My baby is feeding just fine. So far, takda lah angin ke apa ke.

These 4 factors I believe have contributed to the depression. I have to learn to accept even in the beginning stage of my pregnancy. I have to accept the fact that my body is not going to be the same again. I need to relax more. I was working so hard during pregnancy that may have caused the emotional instability. So relax Ajlaa. Work is just work!

Everytime after I perform my prayer, I pray that god ease my way. Minta jauh daripada hasutan syaitanirajim. Doa diberikan kekuatan Iman coz I know I was feeling very very weak spiritually during confinement. So I learn to forgive - everyone including Iman and Izwan. 

Nothing is happier in life to see that your family is also happy. I forgive, be more calm, less controlling (worrying) and seek for Allah's guidance in order to overcome the depression. Syukur alhamdulillah, I'm better now. I am calmer now.

Postpartum depression is a serious issue. The awareness is still very low among our society. Family members (husband especially) tend to take this lightly. The person may look physically happy but deep down, she may be fighting with her emotions. This is something that is not visible physically. It can be dangerous for the patient if it is not treated well. Itu yang sampai ada yang membunuh bayi sendiri or killed herself due to the pressure. And it is not something that is easily confessed also. Hence, it is very important for the husband to always, always help the wife out. Paling mudah is to always communicate. Tanya isteri if ada apa-apa yang boleh dibantu. Don't let her drown herself down.

We mothers are not superheroes. We are not perfect either. It is not wrong to seek help if we feel that we need to. We are mothers. We have our flaws.

My two angels

Introducing you to my two angels - Iman Alexandria (5) and Irdina Alexandria (79 days).

May they grow and be the Solehah dunia and akhirat, Amin

Oh my... 2017

Assalamualaikum and salam sejahtera. Oh gosh, it's been almost a year since my last post. Rasanya memang macam dalam setahun adalah beberapa posts sahaja before I start to abandon this blog again. Ada niat nak close it down permanently but somehow it never happened. The idea of keeping it alive is still going strong but to remain inactive. Ntah macam mana, tiba-tiba terbuka blog yang penuh bersawang ni. Luckily, I still remember the username and password and tergerak pulak hati nak update post hari ni. Oh my, I really, really miss blogging. Maybe I should start blogging again. Dok cakap benda ni every year but in the end, this blog is left untouched.

So, since we are here, quick update on everything that happened for the past 1 year. 

Overall, life is great, syukur Alhamdulillah. I gave birth to my second child last January 2017. This deserves its' own post. Will write about it separately. Hopefully, this won't be my last post for the year *teehee*. The experience is totally different from Iman's. Ahh, will definitely write about it. So now that my little family has grown, tanggungjawab pun semakin besar lah kan?! Can't believe that I'm a mother of 2. Rasa diri ni masih lagi macam budak-budak. Maybe I've grown my maturity tapi cuma tak terasa sahaja. Young at heart gitew, ahaks!

Career-wise, 2016 have been another challenging yet rewarding year. Syukur Alhamdullilah, I recieved 2x promotions unexpectedly. Within a year and a half in service, I was rewarded with work promotion twice. Yang sebetulnya, ini betul-betul rezeki anak. Received the first promotion after I got to know that I was pregnant with the second child while the second promotion came weeks before I gave birth to Irdina. Memang rezeki anak-anak. Belom sempat untuk berkhidmat dah on maternity leave. By the way, I'm on 3 months maternity leave. Rasanya sungguh lama and I am now 2 weeks away from resuming back to work. Syukur rezeki yang Allah kurniakan. Now I have bigger responsibility to hold and the expectation is well, bigger now. Interesting things happen to my worklife. Shall update it once I'm officially on-board. It will be my biggest challenge now to report to a new boss whom used to be my ex-client. 

And finally, I completed my Masters and I am now waiting for my convocation date. Syukur yang tak terhingga, the journey finally ended after years of enduring it. I finally submitted my thesis 2 weeks before going into labour. It was really a pain in the a*se but Syukur ya Allah, I managed to score an A- and that brings to my CGPA of 3.43. Higher than time degree dulu weyh. Mak saya pon tak percaya. Now, speaking of being a Masters graduate, what are we planning to do with it? Honestly, parts of me feels like quitting the job to further to another higher education level (Read: PhD). But right now, I really feel like focusing on family and career. Enough of exams and classes. We'll see! But if ever I make the decision to further my studies, it will definitely be full-time (and abroad). No more study+kerja. Penat weyh.

That's it for now. Now that I am still on leave, will try to update on a daily basis. Kalau rajin. Kalau tak, tunggulah tahun depan.

Till then, Assalamualaikum.