Statistic shows that one out of ten pregnant women will be experiencing postpartum depression post natal delivery. Well, statistic is just numbers to justify the evidence in any conducted research studies but I believe this can happen to anyone including myself. As hard to admit, I experienced mild postpartum depression after I had my second child. Syukur Alhamdulillah, I managed to control myself supaya ia tidak melarat and thank god I do not feel delusional throughout the whole period of time.
You see, I'm the type of person who plans everything from work, daily routine, tasks, everything lah. I even prepared a backup plan just in case things does not work out accordingly. I plan so that I can maximize my time. The downside to this is that I become easily agitated and frustrated when my plans do not followed through. And as for this second pregnancy, since this is the second time being pregnant, I plan to improve my post-natal delivery from the first one. So I plan in what to do and what to prepare. Though my preparation was pretty much last minute but in my head I already had them prepared. Ok, this may sound silly but I'm that type of person who prepares everything.
Unfortunately, things don't work out according to the plans.
I went through my confinement by myself. Since this is the second one, I'm pretty much know what to do. So I opted for this option of going through it myself. Though I'm staying with my parents but the whole process is done by me. This is when it's all started. The pressure is on when Iman started to show tantrum right after I gave birth. The expectation of her being a big sister is not happening when she becomes so jealous of her baby sister. And due to this, the pressure hits me without knowing. Not blaming others but this one is really on me. I pampered her so much that she feels less loved especially from me hence, the tantrum. On top of that, my makcik urut decided to cancel on me at a very last minute. She got her friend to replace her but the service is not up to my expectation. I became agitated as I did not get what I want but I went through it anyways.
Days passed by but the frustration really hits me. I started to feel angry all the time. Lonely by the day but it gets better at night as everyone is at home. I become very tired and I started to blame Iman on this. Izwan was with me but somehow his presence doesn't help much. I feel very lonely and tired. I wasn't feeling happy. Worried most of the time. Worried over unnecessary things. I started to imagine bad things happening to my baby. The what ifs - what if I fall down when carrying the baby? What if the baby drown during bath time? What if suddenly I started to loose my mind while feeding the baby? All this started to play in my head.
The peak of it is when I started to become physical with Iman. Tidaklah sampai mendera but I started to cubit and pukul. I have never touched Iman bila marah but somehow I let out my anger at her. I feel angry all the time. I was being angry at Iman, at Izwan, at everyone and at everything. I refused to let anyone come and visit me. I just want to stay alone, away from everyone. That's when I realized that I am emotionally unstable and that I need to do something before it become uncontrollable.
I try to talk to Izwan about it but at the same time, I failed to let him help me. My emotional become very unstable that I started to shut him out from me.
Acknowledging the sickness, I took a few step back and review myself and try to fix it before it is too late.
You see, I'm the type of person who plans everything from work, daily routine, tasks, everything lah. I even prepared a backup plan just in case things does not work out accordingly. I plan so that I can maximize my time. The downside to this is that I become easily agitated and frustrated when my plans do not followed through. And as for this second pregnancy, since this is the second time being pregnant, I plan to improve my post-natal delivery from the first one. So I plan in what to do and what to prepare. Though my preparation was pretty much last minute but in my head I already had them prepared. Ok, this may sound silly but I'm that type of person who prepares everything.
Unfortunately, things don't work out according to the plans.
I went through my confinement by myself. Since this is the second one, I'm pretty much know what to do. So I opted for this option of going through it myself. Though I'm staying with my parents but the whole process is done by me. This is when it's all started. The pressure is on when Iman started to show tantrum right after I gave birth. The expectation of her being a big sister is not happening when she becomes so jealous of her baby sister. And due to this, the pressure hits me without knowing. Not blaming others but this one is really on me. I pampered her so much that she feels less loved especially from me hence, the tantrum. On top of that, my makcik urut decided to cancel on me at a very last minute. She got her friend to replace her but the service is not up to my expectation. I became agitated as I did not get what I want but I went through it anyways.
Days passed by but the frustration really hits me. I started to feel angry all the time. Lonely by the day but it gets better at night as everyone is at home. I become very tired and I started to blame Iman on this. Izwan was with me but somehow his presence doesn't help much. I feel very lonely and tired. I wasn't feeling happy. Worried most of the time. Worried over unnecessary things. I started to imagine bad things happening to my baby. The what ifs - what if I fall down when carrying the baby? What if the baby drown during bath time? What if suddenly I started to loose my mind while feeding the baby? All this started to play in my head.
The peak of it is when I started to become physical with Iman. Tidaklah sampai mendera but I started to cubit and pukul. I have never touched Iman bila marah but somehow I let out my anger at her. I feel angry all the time. I was being angry at Iman, at Izwan, at everyone and at everything. I refused to let anyone come and visit me. I just want to stay alone, away from everyone. That's when I realized that I am emotionally unstable and that I need to do something before it become uncontrollable.
I try to talk to Izwan about it but at the same time, I failed to let him help me. My emotional become very unstable that I started to shut him out from me.
Acknowledging the sickness, I took a few step back and review myself and try to fix it before it is too late.
- Acceptance. Deep in my heart I know that I wasn't ready to have a second child. During pregnancy, it took me awhile to accept the fact that I was caring one due to the fact that I had a very tough pregnancy. I experienced morning sickness throughout the whole 9 months. I was being angry throughout my pregnancy. I blame the hormone. I wasn't really feeling happy at that time. It got worst when I can't fit my old clothes anymore. And I became very angry for not being able to accept the fact that my body is changing. The anger stays till delivery.
- Forgiving. The midwife that was helping me during labour wasn't really helping me much (that's what I felt at that point of time). I was traumatized because of her. She wasn't being friendly. I know she is doing her job but c'mon, it doesn't hurt anyone by being nice/friendly. Your patient is already in pain. Do not add in anymore pain to her.
- Social media. I got caught out with the whatsapps group messages. I felt left out with all the fun that the work group is having. I got jealous of the good stuff that other people is having from the view of FB and instagram whereby I on the other hand is stuck in the house.
- Control-freak. I can't change who I am. It's good to plan but it is not good to set the expectation by yourselves. I told myself that I need to stop drinking coffee because it may affect the baby while feeding. But hey, it is not true. I drink coffee and my baby is doing just fine. I need to know myself better at this. I'm a coffee lover so don't ever stop drinking coffee. My milk production is doing just fine. My baby is feeding just fine. So far, takda lah angin ke apa ke.
These 4 factors I believe have contributed to the depression. I have to learn to accept even in the beginning stage of my pregnancy. I have to accept the fact that my body is not going to be the same again. I need to relax more. I was working so hard during pregnancy that may have caused the emotional instability. So relax Ajlaa. Work is just work!
Everytime after I perform my prayer, I pray that god ease my way. Minta jauh daripada hasutan syaitanirajim. Doa diberikan kekuatan Iman coz I know I was feeling very very weak spiritually during confinement. So I learn to forgive - everyone including Iman and Izwan.
Nothing is happier in life to see that your family is also happy. I forgive, be more calm, less controlling (worrying) and seek for Allah's guidance in order to overcome the depression. Syukur alhamdulillah, I'm better now. I am calmer now.
Postpartum depression is a serious issue. The awareness is still very low among our society. Family members (husband especially) tend to take this lightly. The person may look physically happy but deep down, she may be fighting with her emotions. This is something that is not visible physically. It can be dangerous for the patient if it is not treated well. Itu yang sampai ada yang membunuh bayi sendiri or killed herself due to the pressure. And it is not something that is easily confessed also. Hence, it is very important for the husband to always, always help the wife out. Paling mudah is to always communicate. Tanya isteri if ada apa-apa yang boleh dibantu. Don't let her drown herself down.
We mothers are not superheroes. We are not perfect either. It is not wrong to seek help if we feel that we need to. We are mothers. We have our flaws.
We mothers are not superheroes. We are not perfect either. It is not wrong to seek help if we feel that we need to. We are mothers. We have our flaws.
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