I am a working mother. And my working hours doesn't permit me to leave office early (by early means 6pm sharp). Well, working in this industry doesn't really have a fix working hours. It's not that I work till late at night everyday, it's just that my working hours usually ends around 8-ish an above. There are few occasions where I do get to leave the office early. The agency I work with is not that cruel (unlike other Internatinal agencies). The policy is to make sure that you deliver your task/work as per deadline and you deliver it well. Staying back for extra hours is not encourage but if needs be; then stay.
And because of this, I usually arrived home when my baby has fallen asleep and that makes me feel so guilty for not being home. I feel like I'm a bad mother. A mother who doesn't take care of her own daughter. The only time I have to play with her is when she wakes up in the middle of the night for feeding - itu pon if si kecil itu bangun, if not then the next morning lah jawabnya. Itu pon adalah untuk bagi Iman breakfast and to prep her for the day. Sad, isn't it?
And that is why I don't really go out on weekends anymore. I'll make sure that I will spend my day and night with my baby girl over the weekend and if I feel like going out for a shopping or something, I will make sure that baby Iman is with me.
The problem with me is I'm so in love with my crazy-hectic-work that I don't even want to quit my job to a more relaxing-flexible-like-kerani kinda job. I like what I do right now and that have caused me my time with my family.
I have asked my husband for the permission to become a housewife so that I will have all the time in the world to spend with baby Iman (and of course he said NO). But then again, I have a lot of things that I want to do for myself & my family - to make sure that they receive the best education for their future, the have a quality living, debt free; just to name a few and all that require ringgit and sense which I can only get by working. How I wish money grows on tree boleh di petik-petik macam daun di tepi jalan. Unfortunately, they are not!
Another thing is, well, I'm thankful for being able to still bf-ing my baby till today. The problem is, I'm not producing as much as I have before due to the work stress. When you're tired after the long working hours, you tend to skip a few sessions and due to that it is now drying up. The plan is to feed her till she turns two, Insyaallah but it seems that it may be impossible looking to the lack of supplies and since the demand is very high now (though baby Iman is on solids, she still drinks a lot of milk and the oz that she takes now has increases) I don't think that I can make it till she turns two.
It's hard to always stay positive. But I ain't giving up. I will try for as long as I can. After all, she has passed the 6 months must period. It should be ok, no?!
I must say that it's tough being a young working mother but if my mother can do it, so do I. She is the best example of a working mother that I shall follow. But I'm thankful for the support system I have - the family and the husband for helping out. I don't think I can do it if not with their help.
This is just the beginning. It's still too early to raise the white flag.
I.Must.Not.Give.Up.Now.
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