End of 2017

My goodness, I've almost forgotten about the existent of this blog. Eh, ayat macam familiar sangat macam every end of the year punya ayat. But Ya Allah, seriously, I honestly have forgotten about this blog. I promised to write more this year tapi apa kan daya, masa telah mem-busy-kan kehidupan ini.

OMG! There are a lot of things happening this year. Like seriously a looooooottttttt. I have no idea where to start tapi time flies and it's already the end of 2017. It's been a challenging yet fruitful year. Of course, there's up and down to it. There were good and not-so-good memories. All in all, it's the year where I've grown to be a much better person. Maturity I guess.

Motherhood is becoming tougher nowadays with two growing kids. Iman dah nak masuk sekolah kebangsaan. OMG, that will be another story to write. But yeah, it's a lot of new experience for me from school registration to admission and all. And for the fact that Iman is still in her Brainy Bunch kinda mindset, it is very hard to tune her to think otherwise. It's ok, time will tell. As of now, it's one step at a time for me in managing the situation. Well Irdina on the other hand, she is progressing so very fast as compared to Iman. Orang cakap anak no.2 memang macam tu. She is more aggressive in so many ways. It's a lot to catch up when it comes to Irdina. Pejam celik, she is almost 1 in less than a month. MasyaAllah, cepat betul masa berlalu.

We've moved in to our own house. Yes, our house is finally ready. This deserve it's own post. I will try to write about it. If time permits.

Sungguh mencabar kehidupan sekarang. In a good ways of course. For the time being, let's just settle for this.

Till I write more :)

The end of maternity leave

Pejam celik, pejam celik, this week is the final week of my 3 months maternity leave. Macam sekejap naw rasanya. Not going to lie but I am actually looking forward to be back to work. 3 months is a very long time for me. I went kuku (seriously, not lying). Nasib baik tak ambik 6 months leave. Boleh jadi gila kot!

But I miss being around my babies. I miss doing house work. I miss being a stay-at-home-mom. I learned a lot while staying at home. I give my full respect to all SAHMs. You guys are so amazing. Memang tak menang tangan. Bangun pagi je dah ada benda nak buat. I wake up very early in the morning to pump. Then, I get Iman to get ready for school. Dengan Iman je akan berperang 1 jam nak settle dia sampailah dia keluar rumah, naik kereta dan pergi sekolah. Lepas tu baru I have time for my breakfast itu pun if Irdina tak bangun. Things will be out of hands bila both of them decided to bangun secara berjemaah. Dengan mana nak uruskan dulu. Siapa nak mandi dulu. Siapa yang akan menangis dengan kuatnya. Memang boleh jadi Hulk but then, bila dah settle, the house will become very quiet, sigh!

After that comes all the house chores - jemur kain, kemas bilik, kemas dapur. I usually mandi around 3pm everyday. Life memang macam fixed routine. Petang siap-siap prepare for minum petang for everyone including Iman. Another round of berperang with Iman. Fixed routine. Malam memang rasa penat gila. PENAT GILA! I think maybe because I just gave birth but memang seriously PENAT GILA!.

Don't get me wrong. I'm looking forward to going back to work bukan sebab tak nak buat kerja rumah. But I guess, I am the type of person who works not the type yang stay at home. I will have emotional instability kalau duduk rumah lama-lama. I prefer to stay out of the house and still buat kerja rumah bila balik. I prefer that way. But yes, you SAHMs are amazing. AMAZING!!!!

Within this short break, there are 2 most important things that I managed to settle which I plan to write about it satu-persatu. 

1. Settled PTPTN - will defintiely write about this
2. Register Iman sekolah darjah 1 - will write about it but not now.

Sangat rasa berbangga especially #1. Macam ringan rasa sebelah tangan.

3 months break has open-up a new life's perspective for me. I can actually save up a lot of my money if I know how to manage my financial expenses. Duduk rumah 3 bulan I managed to decrease my credit card amount. Well, kenalah tahan nafsu berbelanja and I am pretty much determine now to reduce it even further. Kalau boleh I want to just keep it to pay up my monthly insurance bill and duit minyak. Lain-lain perbelanjaan guna duit gaji - kalau ada duit beli, takda duit duduk diam-diam. I need to start saving again. Dulu simpan duit lepas tu keluar. Not sustainable at all. Now, it has to be more sustainable. Again, tahan nafsu berbelanja. I have 2 kids now. Handbag mahal tunggu bonus *teehee*

So yes, goodbye SAHM, hello Corporate World.

Off Motherhood

It's been 82 days since I upgraded myself to a new status. From a mother of 1 to a proud mother of 2 healthy growing girls. So far, it has been great - challenging and tough but great. I have to admit that I struggle a bit (a lot actually). Time ni memang sesuai sangat nak guna #thestruggleisreal sebab the struggle memang REAL. 

My expectation of Iman being a big sister hancur musnah right after I gave birth. She looked OK at first. Sedikit clueless of who the baby is but after few days, she started to show tantrum. Iman used to be very independent. At her age, she is already able to do a lot of things on her own. Hence why at first I wasn't worried about having the second baby. Tapi semuanya berubah bila baby dah balik rumah and my time is mostly spent with the baby - feeding, bathing and all. Iman started to become jealous of her baby sister. And until today, she is not able to accept the sharing part lagi. This, I believe is also due for the fact that she has been the only child for 5 long years. 

As a mother, I have to admit that I am still struggling to manage both girls. How do I divide my love to both of them equally? Do I need to divide my love? What if I choose not too? Will they feel equally loved? How do I make sure that both of them will never ever feel less loved? Can I be fair to both of them? Will they get equal fair treatment? 

These are all the questions playing in my head which I obviously have no answers yet.

I know.... I know.... 82 days is still very new. I still have ample of time to readjust. But hey, the faster I fix it the better isn't it? 

My toughest challenge right now is to get Iman to get use to the idea of sisterhood. Calling herself "kakak" and the baby "adik" does not get her the idea/feeling of being a big sister. Clearly, she is struggling too. She feels less loved as it is translated clearly in all of her actions. She constantly seeking for everyone's attention. Masalahnya, takda siapa pon yang kasi less attention to her but I believe as a kid, she feels it.

Tried to slow talk with her but I think she refused to listen and understand. I have been very hard on her for the past few weeks. Ye lah, baru lepas bersalin kan. Penatnya lain macam and so very often that I scolded her unintentionally. Of course, I feel guilty after that but I just can't help it. Slowly, right now I try to control my temper as I believe that I need to be in Iman's shoes just till things are back to normal.

Motherhood does not come in manual. It is always try and error. I believe Allah granted me this "challenges" as He knows that I can do it. It is the matter of HOW which is totally up to me. I just need to have faith in everything that I do. Well, as easy as it sounds, it is not easy at all. It will never be easy. It is a continuous life learning process. They are my harta dunia dan akhirat and it is my responsibility to shape them no matter how hard it is. I ain't superheroes. Challenges come and go. There will be bad days and of course good days. I just need to embrace it. It will never be easy. IT WILL NEVER BE.

#thestruggleisreal

They are the love of my life. Always and forever. Dunia dan akhirat.

My secondborn Irdina Alexandria Bt Muhamad Izwan

On 1st June 2016, I finally pee-ed on the stick again. Similarly like the previous one, I had a sudden high fever the night before. Somehow I had this strange feeling of being pregnant. In fact, I told my colleagues the day before that maybe.... just maybe I might be pregnant right now. We were in the midst of preparing an advance Hari Raya celebration the day before for our then Communication Director when I told them about this strange feelings. Sekali malam tu demam menggigil. Went to the clinic for a quick check up sebab I was feeling very very weak and the doctor confirmed that I have super high fever. Time tu tak check pon pregnancy test. Came out from the clinic, I went straight to Watson and bought myself the test kit. Balik rumah check, confirmed!

I didn't know at what week I was at that time sebab check dengan pregnancy test kit cap Watson je. We delayed our gynae's appointment sebab kena balik kampung that week for my sister in law's engagement. But I think it was around week 3/4 sebab I had my period before that.

We (I actually) weren't planning for the second one to happen last year. I was having my menstrual and the cycle seems to be normal. Funny thing was, Iman has been calling herself "Kakak" few weeks before that. She even mentioned that some of her toys are for her "adik". And I didn't even thought for a second that maybe I am pregnant. 

Little that I know, Izwan was actually hoping for this pregnancy. The joy on his face was really...... priceless when I told him the news. I on the other hand was in denial.........

9 months passed and I have to say that it was the worst pregnancy ever. I had continuous morning sickness for a period of 9 months. I was admitted to the hospital during the first trimester due to dehydration. I was on bed rest for close to a month due to the morning sickness. Nasib baik time tu dapat boss yang memahami. I was working from home most of the time. I lost 8kg during the first trimester. Memang muka cengkung macam orang sakit. The experience was totally different from Iman. For a second, I thought I was having a boy sebab perasaan and keadaannya sangat berbeza.

My personality changed totally. I became very impatient. Dahlah memang kurang kadar kesabaran tambah pulak dengan pregnant, it doubled up the impatient-ness. I was being angry all the time. This one due to work stress. I hated my boss, I hated the agency people, I hated the brand people, semualah. My hormone sangat imbalance. I was full of hatred. Benci semua orang. I hated myself at one point. I feel like shit. I look like shit. Memang haywire.

Fast forward to 37 weeks and 5 days, on a Saturday afternoon I (we) went for my last checkup before delivery. I was already dilated 2.5cm but the gynae advised us to go home and come back at night sebab based on the previous record, my dilation progresses slowly. My gynae predicted that it is going to be the same as per Iman's and his prediction is SUPER accurate. 

We went jalan-jalan instead after checkup sebab it will be my last jalan-jalan before kena kurung. So we went to KLCC (tempat kesayangan), jalan-jalan and do our super last minute shopping for the baby and then baru balik rumah. Sempatlah buat repacking, mandi dan segalanya before serah diri. So after dinner around 10-ish, off we go to Ampang Puteri.

Checked in to the labour room and I was only 3.5cm dilated. So lepak-lepaklah dalam labour room. Contraction was half an hour gap but I wasn't feeling any pain at that time. Sempat lagi message-message orang and sembang-sembang with Izwan. He on the other hand, tengah prepare diri untuk tidur. 

Around 4ish am, the doctor came to check and I was only 5cm dilated with mild contraction. Masih bearable the pain. The doctor pecahkan air ketumban and immediately after that the contraction became very strong. Every 5 minutes gap. Since this is my second experience, it was more manageable. I managed to control the breathing time contraction datang but masyAllah, the pain sangat-sangat sakit. I opted for pain killer jer. Syukur alhamdulillah, at 5.37am, I have successfully delivered a healthy baby girl secara normal.

And yes, similarly like Iman, the only thing I said during labour was nak berak... nak berak... and nak berak. The doctor tak sempat nak suruh push pon, baby dah keluar sebab mak dia nak berak sangat. 

Azan subuh pon berkumandang sesudah delivered. Alhamdulillah, rezeki baby. Just like Iman, the baby was delivered on the 37th week and 5 day with 2.90kg weight and 49.5cm lenght.

Introducing you my second baby girl, Irdina Alexandria Bt Muhamad Izwan.

Syukur alhamdulillah, I would like to thank the team from Ampang Puteri Specialist Hospital, Dr. Marlik Abu and his team for doing a great job helping me throughout the whole delivery process. Although one of the senior midwife was being so ever strict with me, I believe she was doing her job though I ended up being traumatized by her (shall not write about her here). Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I received a good in-house services and I will continue to go with this hospital if ever I conceive again *batuk*batuk*kahak*. 

Alhamdulillah, I am a proud mother of 2. The pressure is on bebeh, so ONZ!

Postpartum Depression

Statistic shows that one out of ten pregnant women will be experiencing postpartum depression post natal delivery. Well, statistic is just numbers to justify the evidence in any conducted research studies but I believe this can happen to anyone including myself. As hard to admit, I experienced mild postpartum depression after I had my second child. Syukur Alhamdulillah, I managed to control myself supaya ia tidak melarat and thank god I do not feel delusional throughout the whole period of time.

You see, I'm the type of person who plans everything from work, daily routine, tasks, everything lah. I even prepared a backup plan just in case things does not work out accordingly. I plan so that I can maximize my time. The downside to this is that I become easily agitated and frustrated when my plans do not followed through. And as for this second pregnancy, since this is the second time being pregnant, I plan to improve my post-natal delivery from the first one. So I plan in what to do and what to prepare. Though my preparation was pretty much last minute but in my head I already had them prepared. Ok, this may sound silly but I'm that type of person who prepares everything.

Unfortunately, things don't work out according to the plans.

I went through my confinement by myself. Since this is the second one, I'm pretty much know what to do. So I opted for this option of going through it myself. Though I'm staying with my parents but the whole process is done by me. This is when it's all started. The pressure is on when Iman started to show tantrum right after I gave birth. The expectation of her being a big sister is not happening when she becomes so jealous of her baby sister. And due to this, the pressure hits me without knowing. Not blaming others but this one is really on me. I pampered her so much that she feels less loved especially from me hence, the tantrum. On top of that, my makcik urut decided to cancel on me at a very last minute. She got her friend to replace her but the service is not up to my expectation. I became agitated as I did not get what I want but I went through it anyways.

Days passed by but the frustration really hits me. I started to feel angry all the time. Lonely by the day but it gets better at night as everyone is at home. I become very tired and I started to blame Iman on this. Izwan was with me but somehow his presence doesn't help much. I feel very lonely and tired. I wasn't feeling happy. Worried most of the time. Worried over unnecessary things. I started to imagine bad things happening to my baby. The what ifs - what if I fall down when carrying the baby? What if the baby drown during bath time? What if suddenly I started to loose my mind while feeding the baby? All this started to play in my head.

The peak of it is when I started to become physical with Iman. Tidaklah sampai mendera but I started to cubit and pukul. I have never touched Iman bila marah but somehow I let out my anger at her. I feel angry all the time. I was being angry at Iman, at Izwan, at everyone and at everything. I refused to let anyone come and visit me. I just want to stay alone, away from everyone. That's when I realized that I am emotionally unstable and that I need to do something before it become uncontrollable.

I try to talk to Izwan about it but at the same time, I failed to let him help me. My emotional become very unstable that I started to shut him out from me.

Acknowledging the sickness, I took a few step back and review myself and try to fix it before it is too late.

1. Acceptance. Deep in my heart I know that I wasn't ready to have a second child. During pregnancy, it took me awhile to accept the fact that I was caring one due to the fact that I had a very tough pregnancy. I experienced morning sickness throughout the whole 9 months. I was being angry throughout my pregnancy. I blame the hormone. I wasn't really feeling happy at that time. It got worst when I can't fit my old clothes anymore. And I became very angry for not being able to accept the fact that my body is changing. The anger stays till delivery.
2. Forgiving. The midwife that was helping me during labour wasn't really helping me much (that's what I felt at that point of time). I was traumatized because of her. She wasn't being friendly. I know she is doing her job but c'mon, it doesn't hurt anyone by being nice/friendly. Your patient is already in pain. Do not add in anymore pain to her.
3. Social media. I got caught out with the whatsapps group messages. I felt left out with all the fun that the work group is having. I got jealous of the good stuff that other people is having from the view of FB and instagram whereby I on the other hand is stuck in the house.
4. Control-freak. I can't change who I am. It's good to plan but it is not good to set the expectation by yourselves. I told myself that I need to stop drinking coffee because it may affect the baby while feeding. But hey, it is not true. I drink coffee and my baby is doing just fine. I need to know myself better at this. I'm a coffee lover so don't ever stop drinking coffee. My milk production is doing just fine. My baby is feeding just fine. So far, takda lah angin ke apa ke.

These 4 factors I believe have contributed to the depression. I have to learn to accept even in the beginning stage of my pregnancy. I have to accept the fact that my body is not going to be the same again. I need to relax more. I was working so hard during pregnancy that may have caused the emotional instability. So relax Ajlaa. Work is just work!

Everytime after I perform my prayer, I pray that god ease my way. Minta jauh daripada hasutan syaitanirajim. Doa diberikan kekuatan Iman coz I know I was feeling very very weak spiritually during confinement. So I learn to forgive - everyone including Iman and Izwan. 

Nothing is happier in life to see that your family is also happy. I forgive, be more calm, less controlling (worrying) and seek for Allah's guidance in order to overcome the depression. Syukur alhamdulillah, I'm better now. I am calmer now.

Postpartum depression is a serious issue. The awareness is still very low among our society. Family members (husband especially) tend to take this lightly. The person may look physically happy but deep down, she may be fighting with her emotions. This is something that is not visible physically. It can be dangerous for the patient if it is not treated well. Itu yang sampai ada yang membunuh bayi sendiri or killed herself due to the pressure. And it is not something that is easily confessed also. Hence, it is very important for the husband to always, always help the wife out. Paling mudah is to always communicate. Tanya isteri if ada apa-apa yang boleh dibantu. Don't let her drown herself down.

We mothers are not superheroes. We are not perfect either. It is not wrong to seek help if we feel that we need to. We are mothers. We have our flaws.

My two angels

Introducing you to my two angels - Iman Alexandria (5) and Irdina Alexandria (79 days).

May they grow and be the Solehah dunia and akhirat, Amin

Oh my... 2017

Assalamualaikum and salam sejahtera. Oh gosh, it's been almost a year since my last post. Rasanya memang macam dalam setahun adalah beberapa posts sahaja before I start to abandon this blog again. Ada niat nak close it down permanently but somehow it never happened. The idea of keeping it alive is still going strong but to remain inactive. Ntah macam mana, tiba-tiba terbuka blog yang penuh bersawang ni. Luckily, I still remember the username and password and tergerak pulak hati nak update post hari ni. Oh my, I really, really miss blogging. Maybe I should start blogging again. Dok cakap benda ni every year but in the end, this blog is left untouched.

So, since we are here, quick update on everything that happened for the past 1 year. 

Overall, life is great, syukur Alhamdulillah. I gave birth to my second child last January 2017. This deserves its' own post. Will write about it separately. Hopefully, this won't be my last post for the year *teehee*. The experience is totally different from Iman's. Ahh, will definitely write about it. So now that my little family has grown, tanggungjawab pun semakin besar lah kan?! Can't believe that I'm a mother of 2. Rasa diri ni masih lagi macam budak-budak. Maybe I've grown my maturity tapi cuma tak terasa sahaja. Young at heart gitew, ahaks!

Career-wise, 2016 have been another challenging yet rewarding year. Syukur Alhamdullilah, I recieved 2x promotions unexpectedly. Within a year and a half in service, I was rewarded with work promotion twice. Yang sebetulnya, ini betul-betul rezeki anak. Received the first promotion after I got to know that I was pregnant with the second child while the second promotion came weeks before I gave birth to Irdina. Memang rezeki anak-anak. Belom sempat untuk berkhidmat dah on maternity leave. By the way, I'm on 3 months maternity leave. Rasanya sungguh lama and I am now 2 weeks away from resuming back to work. Syukur rezeki yang Allah kurniakan. Now I have bigger responsibility to hold and the expectation is well, bigger now. Interesting things happen to my worklife. Shall update it once I'm officially on-board. It will be my biggest challenge now to report to a new boss whom used to be my ex-client. 

And finally, I completed my Masters and I am now waiting for my convocation date. Syukur yang tak terhingga, the journey finally ended after years of enduring it. I finally submitted my thesis 2 weeks before going into labour. It was really a pain in the a*se but Syukur ya Allah, I managed to score an A- and that brings to my CGPA of 3.43. Higher than time degree dulu weyh. Mak saya pon tak percaya. Now, speaking of being a Masters graduate, what are we planning to do with it? Honestly, parts of me feels like quitting the job to further to another higher education level (Read: PhD). But right now, I really feel like focusing on family and career. Enough of exams and classes. We'll see! But if ever I make the decision to further my studies, it will definitely be full-time (and abroad). No more study+kerja. Penat weyh.

That's it for now. Now that I am still on leave, will try to update on a daily basis. Kalau rajin. Kalau tak, tunggulah tahun depan.

Till then, Assalamualaikum. 

Belated Mother's Day gift katanya

Last month, I wanted to get myself a new handbag. I found one that I wanted but honestly, I was halfheartedly in purchasing it. Memangkan memang dah niat nak beli so I decided to get it anyway. Tapi sebelum di belinya bag itu, I got my husband's second opinion. Memang sudah kebiasaan untuk mendapat second opinion from Izwan and he rejected the idea. Obviously, memang frust menonggeng lah member. I told my disappointment to him sebab the reason why I wanted to get the bag is because it is for all the hard-work that I put myself in. Duit bonus so I wanted to reward myself with something beautiful.

Dengan ketidakpuasan hati itu, Izwan promised to get me a ring.

Why ring?

Dulu, I always wanted Izwan to get me a new ring sebab he never really buy me anything. Baik anniversary ke, birthday ke memang tak pernah lah dia beli. He is just not romantic that way. Selalulah dia di asak untuk mendapatkan sebentuk cincin. To be honest, I like to annoy him with such request coz I know he will never buy it for me. And I am not that type of person who like to ask the husband to buy me stuff. I buy my own stuff. So entah kenapa, he agrees to the idea and today, he bought me the ring.

Rasa macam nak kahwin pulak dapat cincin. What ever it is, Alhamdulillah, rezeki Allah kasi. Izwan is not a romantic person. I guess this is just one way of him saying his apology. So yes, apology accepted :)

I am one happy wife.

New Milestone, New Adventure

Last year, I did a test-run for Iman by sending her to the school. I failed big time. I have to admit, it was a wrong move all together. The reason I sent her at that time was because my wonderful helper went back to her hometown for 3 months and I was helper-less hence, the decision of sending Iman to the play-school.

Since there was no one to teman her coz everyone was not available - my mother, Izwan and me. Tak kan nak tinggalkan Iman with her atok. So, I sent her for a full day session at school. Morning is the usual schooling hours and noon onwards is merely like a nursery. Obviously, she did not used to the whole idea of being alone in the school, she ended up hating the school so much sampai dengar perkataan "School" pon tak boleh terima. She got sick after a week of this routine and she hated school immediately. Hate! BENCI! TAK SUKA!. My life turned upside down because of this. Alhamdulillah, my helper came back after 2 months of "leave". Pheww....

But the misery does not end there. I had to slowly introduce Iman to the idea of going to school. Because my end goal is for her to start enrolling with the school environment by 2016. Slowly, I have to make her to like to the idea of going to school. Slowly but surely - that's my mantra!

Lama-kelamaan, she started to want to go to school on her own. So November last year, I sent her to Brainy Bunch Wangsa Maju for a play-date. She went there just to play. Alhamdulillah, she liked it!

So in January 2016, she is fully on-board. I was so nervous but it turned out well. My goal of sending her bukan sebab nak Iman pandai ke apa. But to introduce her to schooling environment. To start developing her motor skills. To socialize. Ultimately, kalau nak pergi sekolah untuk pandai is by 6 years old. This is what I believe tapi tak tahu lah parents lain. For me, I don't want to force Iman. Pergi sekolah is for her to get use to the idea nanti dah betul-betul masa untuk sekolah, then barulah sekolah. Get it?

5 months passed and Alhamdulillah, she survived and still going strong.

I write soon on her school experience. Slowly but surely :)

Have a nice weekend peeps.

The wonderfulness of motherhood.

I had a crappy day today. I was stuck whole day doing budgeting. You do not want to do budgeting whole day but when you have 42 active brands, you need full concentration especially when your numbers are being reported to the senior management team. You do not want to report faulty numbers no?! I have to ensure that the numbers provided by my agency are accurate. I have to ensure that my team members also submitted the right set of media budget numbers. Trust me, you do not want to know this.

On top of that, I also need to manage some other irresponsible people who like to sit on things. Who like to cause delay on other people's job. Who just like to sit in the office makan gaji buta. Amat geram rasa di hati ini. Sesungguhnya, hari ini adalah bukan hari yang baik.

Memandangkan hari ini saya berpuasa ganti, so I left office quite early compared to other days. Left at 6.30pm sharp just to ensure that I reach home right on time for berbuka. Sesampainya di pintu rumah, Iman rushed to me naked (because it is about time for her to take her bath) with a card in hand. She handed me the card that she made today at school. Ok, clearly it is not her handwriting but the thoughts of her knowing it's actually a mother's day put me at awe.

This washed away all the crappiness I had earlier today. This really put a smile on my face. I almost cried receiving this beautiful.... beautiful card. 

The wonderful thing of being a mother. Syukur alhamdulillah.

For better or for worse

We celebrated our 5th anniversary last January. Pejam celik, pejam celik dah 5 tahun berumahtangga. And I must say, it is not easy to sustain a marriage; to sustain my marriage. It's true when they say, you only know your partner only when you sleep, shit and eat together.

Within this 5 years of being together, we have our fair share of ups and downs. It is nothing compared to the ones we had during our 5 years of "courting". The fights, the laughters, the disagreements, the happiness; they are all different. I learned a lot through it. I believe I'm more matured through it. 

So what I gained from this 5 years of marriage. A lot, a hell lot!

In all honestly, this marriage is so powerful coz at times, it able to pull my self-esteem down. It demotivates me to the level where I feel like I want to run away from everything and everyone. It also gives me the disappointment feeling which I have never felt before in my life. Despite the negativity, it is so wonderful that it able to change me to the most happiest person on earth just within split seconds. It motivates me to improve myself to be a better person. It teaches me patience. It teaches me to see things in a bigger perspective. It gives me courage to change myself to be a better person. The feeling is so .... priceless.

5 years, we almost lost it all. But I'm glad we are able to pull ourselves together and still holding our hands strong. I guess, it is a learning process for both of us. We need to understand each other better; our wants and needs. We have to understand that marriage is a team work. It is not a one person's job. It's a lifetime commitment between two person who believe in each other, that promise to be with each other through ups and downs; for better or for worse. 

Hidup senang bersama memang senang to achieve tapi hidup susah bersama adalah cabaran sebenar.

Preloved - COACH CROSBY CARRYALL IN LEATHER IN DARK BROWN

I'm making room for other stuff and I'm selling off this lovely pre-loved handbag.

The bag is still in a very good condition. Carried twice for less than 3 hours each occasion. The bag comes with a dustbag and an original guarantee card. The bag is still smell good. Bought at Coach KLCC Boutique early 2015.

I'm selling for RM1,800 (negotiable). Retail is selling at RM2,300.

PM is you are interested. COD within Klang Valley area. Email me at ajlaa0907@gmail.com

Photo Credit from Coach Malaysia website.

Photo Credit from Coach Malaysia Website

Corporate vs Agency

Last month, I celebrated my first anniversary with Nestle. It's been great so far - tough, challenging but overall, it's a very good experience.

To be honest, I am still adapting to this whole corporate world thing. It's my first experience working in a corporate world and I must say, it ain't easy. My first 6 years of working experience has been with an agency - local and multinational. The experience was nothing like how it is here in the corporate world. Even though my heart is still with the agency, but I don't think I would want to go back to where I was - to the agency. I've made up my mind long before joining Nestle that this is the way it is now for me. No turning back. Not till I get what I need to get/gain and where I need to be. And I have to be strong in order to stay.

Within this short period of time (yes, 1 year is still short period), I've experienced my ups and downs. I broke down once, end of last year coz I seriously feel that I can't take it anymore. It's mainly because I was working all alone by myself for three months straight and the pressure was overwhelming. I was literally running my department by myself. It was crazy. But all is well now, I hope!

My responsibility is bigger here in the corporate world compared in the agency. In agency, you have no time for politics. It's either you take it or leave it. No hangky-pangky. One's priority is to serve the client. That's the life of a media planner. Unlike here in the corporate world. One just need to know how to play the game.

Well, it is not always bad in the corporate world. There are so many opportunities and room for me to learn and grow. It's the matter of time. I just need to be focus and stay positive.

I'll write more. It's good to be back again here but it is not good to start with negativity. 2016's resolution is to write more walaupun dah nak dekat setengah tahun.

Good night for now.

Beribu Sesalan

Ku susuri, malam ini

Yang tidak berbintang, sunyi sepi

Juga rembulan, dan menghilang

Dalam kelam ku sendiri

Ku mencari, hembus bayu

Yang selalu berbisik, madah rindu

Kini membisu dalam sayu

Tidak ku temu suaramu

Kekasihku di jalanan yang berliku

Di saat ku perlukanmu

Tertutup jua segalanya terhadapmu

Di sini, ku tersedu-sedu

Setelah cinta pergi

Ku mengusung duka ini diiringi

Kisah janji, dimungkiri lagi

Sia-Siaku

Mencintaimu

Setia Padamu

Percayakanmu

Sebak dadaku

Retak hatiku

Luka jiwaku

Dihiris pilu

Off Stay-home-mum or Working-Mum

There was an interesting topic on Mix FM this morning which resembles 100% of what I'm thinking, have thought and maybe considering to do in my life. The question that I believe most of us working mums have continuously asking ourselves whether should we indulge to it or not. Soalan antara hidup dan mati of being a stay-at-home mum or continue being a working-mum?

Ever since I had Iman, I have been telling myself, maybe it's about time for me to stop working and be a fulltime-stay-at-home-mum. I even had a conversation with Izwan pertaining to my needs on wanting to be a stay-at-home-mum. Working in the industry where time is very "precious" especially during the working days makes me constantly feeling guilty for leaving my family unattended. I spend most of my time at work and I only reach home when Iman is already in bed which then again makes me looks like an irresponsible parent. Hence why I have been doubting myself in pursuing my career and being a mum all at the same time. 

After much consideration and a little bit of consultation with the husband, I have decided to stick with being a working mum. It's tough but I believe I can do it.

I was reluctant at first and still with the idea of wanting to be a stay-at-home mum but then again, when I rethink of all the consequences, I should really stick to being a working mum for the betterment of our (my) family.

The unfulfilled feeling is just temporary - Syaitan yang selalu menghasut. As a mum, I have ensured that everything is in order. I have learnt (and mastered) to divide the working hours and the time that I should be spending with my family. Masa dengan keluarga is really a masa with keluarga. I know for the fact that I will be very busy during weekdays. And therefore, by the time I'm home, my time is fully spend for the family. Weekends memang dedicated for family. 

Eventhough my parents are there to help (yes people, I am still staying with my parents) but I do believe that the responsibility of managing my own family is in my hand. Yes, I'm forever grateful that I have a very understanding and a very helpful helper. But that does not mean that my duty as a mum is lesser. Iman is after all my daughter and it is my job to ensure that her wellbeing, education and life in general is in order.

Yes, money can't buy happiness but everything in this world needs money. Education needs money, petrol needs money, and let's not forget that money helps to serve food on the table. And therefore, I have to work to ensure that I can provide nothing but the best to my child(ren).

I know I've worked my way and I know some people have judged me for not being a good mum. What people sees is just the surface of it. They do not know what's inside and all that they can do is to judge and I shouldn't be fooled by the negativity.

As a person, I have my own achievement that I would like to achieve - career growth, life stability. I have my own ambition that I wish to accomplish. I don't see that having a family can be the barrier of me wanting to improve myself. It's complementing each other actually and therefore, I have to build a strong positive mind to ensure that both areas are being taken care off. Alhamdulillah, I have a supporting family and husband. Of course, there will be hiccups every now and then, but as long as I believe in it, Insya Allah, Allah will show me the way. Kerja itu juga ibadah. Kalau kita lakukan dengan ikhlas, insya Allah segalanya akan diberkati. 

Having said that, there is no wrong for those who want/decided to be a stay-at-home mum. Kerja yang amat mulia. This is just my point of you. You are open to agree to disagree.

A mum will always want the best for their family and only a mother will know what to do with her life.

Dreams do come true even after 20 years.

I'm sure most of us have gone through the days where one needs to fill up the form to include one's future profession/ambition - mostly during the primary school years kan?! And most of the time, we will definitely put the most famous-well-known profession/ambition - to either be a doctor (this one has the highest vote, I'm sure!) or a teacher (the easiest to think of). Yang terlebih bijak sikit may want to be a lawyer which I'm sure they know nothing about what a lawyer does for a living. Tapi, the most common ambition that most student will write on is to be a policeman/woman kan?

I wonder why takde student tulis wants to be an Engineer. Mungkin "Engineer" sounds so alien kot!

Growing up, I always dream of working with Nestle. Tak kesah lah kerja jadi apa. Pernah jugak terfikir nak kerja jadi minah kilang, janji minah kilang Nestle. Tapi, time fill up the form tu tak kan nak letak kerja kilang di Nestle. So like most of the common student, I will write a doctor or a policewoman.

So why Nestle? 

I'm the generation where most of the food that I consume are from Nestle. Pagi-pagi minum Milo Nestle. Recess hour makan chocolate waffle Nestle. Balik rumah makan ice-cream cap Nestle. Hari minggu pulak makan Maggi cap Nestle. So, practically, I grow up with Nestle. Hence why the idea of working with Nestle came about so that I can continue consuming food cap Nestle. 

Bila naik form 4, my interest was towards mathematics & accounting subjects. I wanted to be an Accountant because I know that was where my strength is. My dream does not stop there, I wanted to be an Accountant - a Nestle's Accountant. 

However, tuhan lebih mengetahui. I did not end up being an Accountant but I can proudly say that I am a Marketing Communication professional now.

So along the way, my dream of wanting to work with Nestle never stops. My working background involves in Communication industry whereby first 1.5 years of my career life was with a local creative agency. Continued with another 5 years experience with a Multinational Media Agency. I have served quite a number of big FMCG organizations hence, it encourages me to never give up my hope on Nestle.

Last year, I decided to make a career move. It was still in a planning stage as I wasn't sure whether it's good to do the move at that point of time. I feel that I needed a new environment and plus, I have been receiving quite number of job offers from other media agencies which involves good $$$ and position. But, money wasn't what I'm looking for. Dengan berkat doa (yes, I do believe in the power of doa), rezeki datang when someone from Nestle called to offer me a job.

The thing with Nestle is that they hardly appointed any position to outsiders. Priority is given to their internal employee hence, getting an employment with Nestle is very-very slim. 

Sedikit gembira datang when their HR personnel called to arrange for an interview session. Knowing that the chance is very slim, I wasn't really putting my hope high tapi berfikiran positif dengan mencuba. My first interview went very well. I even thought that I got the job sekali, they called again and I need to do the second interview with the Communication Director - a very well-known person in the industry. Berdebar jantung mak! 

The interview was held last November and I think with the facial expression received during the interview with the Communication Director, I feel positively that I won't be getting the job. Sedih sampai menangis kerana punahlah harapan dan cita-cita untuk berkhidmat dengan Nestle. Few weeks later, they called again and informed me that I got the job tetapi they need to get the HQ's approval which is in Vevey. So, tunggu punya tunngu, bulan berganti bulan, I still haven't receive any confirmation on the employment sampai di suatu hari di bulan March 2015, I finally received the employment letter from Nestle.

Bersyukur tak terhingga, the one thing that I have been dreaming off for the past 20+ years of my life have been granted and it is all because of the power of doa. And I'm proud of myself for never giving up on my hope for wanting to work with Nestle and I finally got it, yay, Alhamdulillah. 

So friends, don't ever giving up your hope. As long as you believe in it, Insya Allah, one day, you may get it! Tapi, kene lah berusaha. Rezeki tak datang bergolek begitu sahaja. Like the pepatah, bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian. 

And now, I can happily continue consuming Nestle's product dengan gembiranya, Alhamdulillah. A promise that I made to myself - tidak akan mensia-siakan peluang yang datang.

Hello 2015, why are being so tough on me?

It's been a while since I last posted anything on this blog. In fact, to be honest, I have totally forgotten about it. I was having hard time remembering my username, what more the password. Nasib baik tak kena barred. 

Anyway, I guess it is too late to wish everyone (cheh, bajet macam ada readers la kan!) a happy 2015 for the fact that we are already in June - half pass 2015. Another half year to go.

Tak sempat pon nak review 2014 which was a good - very good year for me. I don't think I remember what had happened in 2014 but to summarize things up, it was indeed a very good year. And for that, I foresee that 2015 is not going to be as good as 2014 which by far is very true!

I had a very tough first quarter of 2015. I will not go there again - let bygone be bygone. But everything starts to be picking up very well in the second quarter and I must say, dreams do come true.

As we all know, economically, we are being challenged left, right, front, back and centre. With the implementation of GST, the chaotic behaviour of our Idiotic Ministers (sorry, but I really have to write this) and the never-ending drama of 1MDB; our economy is currently seen unstable and that has brought to the downright of our Ringgit. As a worried citizen, I am not excluded in feeling the pain. Therefore, for me, 2015 is seen as a transaction year. A year where I have to be very mindful on my surroundings. A year where I have to learn to be a wise person in all aspects. A year where I have to learn to prioritize my wants and needs. A year for me to improve myself and to be a better person - mentally, and spiritually. 

Despite all that, 2015 (so far) has brought some light to my not-so-bright-tunnel. I have officially left the agency world (and the industry). Like I mentioned, dreams do come true and I shall write about it soon (I hope so!). And 2015 is a year where I will be venturing into the 3 series which I am so looking forward. Yes, unlike others, I am so looking forward to my 30th birthday. Ohh where are you July, come on!!

That's it for now. I thought of closing down this blog of mine tapi, I guess it's good to keep it. At least I have something to help me to improve my "England" - my England not so powderful

Take care everyone and Selamat berpuasa to my Muslim brothers and sisters. May this Ramadan brings barakah and hidayah to all of us and a platform for us to continuously improve ourselves in being a better ummah. 

Assalammualaikum

Rintihan seorang ibu yang harus ke kerja hari-hari

Sometimes I wonder, where will I go?

Where will it be? 

When will it ends?

Is it all worth it?

Kadang-kadang rasa bahu ni dah berat sangat nak pikul segala-galanya.

No one would understands the feelings I have - having to carry everything on my shoulder is no longer bearable.

Having to fight everything by myself .....

Penat! Sangat-sangat penat

But no one seems to understand or even care

I feel like walking on an empty air yang tak tahu mana arah tujuan.

Empty!

Fritzroy Garden Melbourne

Sometimes I wonder, would it be better if I were to run this show of mine, alone?

Goodbye November, Hello December

It's been awhile since my last post. I don't even remember my username and password, I had to try them twice to be able to log in - that's how long this blog has been abandoned. Dah berkulat dan bersawang.

Well, thanks to all TV channels for not airing good TV programmes for me to watch, I finally tuned myself to this blog of mine which I clearly, have no idea what to write. Iman is asleep and I finally have time to myself and yet, I find myself restless for not doing anything.

Pendek cerita, tiada yang lebih serabut selain daripada perasaan yang dihadapi sekarang.

Kadang-kadang, ada betulnya bila orang cakap jangan terlalu berharap sebab harapan akan hanya tinggal angan-angan dan boleh memakan diri sendiri which clearly, have taken its toll on me. Takot yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendung berciciran. All I can hope for is to be able to change my life for the sake of my family - to improve my relationship with my husband (not that we have a bad relationship) and to be able to be a good mother to Iman.

A lot has happened and I, at some point feels that I am nothing but a bad wife to my husband and a super bad irresponsible mother to my child which have driven me nutts. I pray that December will be nothing but a good month for me. A month for me to change - change to be a better person.

Dah merepek meluahkan perasaan, I think I have to go now sebab Iman dah bangun. Oh btw, we went to Bali last October. Will write about it soon (kalau ingat).

Salam and take care everyone.

Because we're "too cool for school"

My company hosted the 2014 teambuilding + annual dinner last weekend. Had it at The Lost World of Tambun, Ipoh and I arrived home with an aching legs. Made a smart move applying for a day leave today to rest. Can't imagine if I have to go to work today with an aching legs. Jalan pun dah tak betul.

Anyway, we were not allowed to bring our camera/phone during the teambuilding activities as it involved walking/running/swimming in the lake/pool. I only have pictures during the annual dinner. Itu pun tak banyak. I was busy eating and having fun.

The theme was "Back to School" and everyone was dressing up to the theme. Very sporting of them!

Mr. AV the CEO is giving his short welcome speech. Isn't he the cutest?

With my favourite buyer

The boys of OMG

Aren't they the cutest
Left: PHD GM
Center: CEO Office Executive
Right: Account Assistant

My "Too Cool For School" group members

Us again!

I had a wonderful-tiring night. Super tiring sampai tak terkata but I had fun!